"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than write for the public and have no self." -Cyril Connolly

I have been feeling sorry for myself today. I have wanted to write some profound thing that in essence wraps up all of the emotions and thoughts that make up who I am at this moment in time, and then I thought to myself. "Why does it matter? No one will read it." and so for a very short moment I contemplated not writing. In the short time it took for one breath to escape my lips I had let my desire to be seen and heard over step my need to express who I am, whether or not someone else reads this.

For me, writing is so personal. It's truly an insight to something deep within myself. Sometimes only when I write can I tap into the emotions I am feeling in a way that will allow for outward expression. On many occasions when I want to share my thoughts or feelings the words just get jumbled up inside and I can never seem to find a way to say what I mean and feel. I will admit, it is a weakness.

I do not have to write for an audience. No one has to read my thoughts. Even if no one else ever read these words they would still be just as important.

“The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them” - Stephen King

I long to be understood. Who doesn't? I work hard to express myself, to share my feelings, to contribute to my surroundings. I want good, simple, concise, understood communication between myself and the other parties involved. Sometimes it's a challenge to reach that goal. I get nervous, feel intimidated--the things I had planned out to say long before the conversation even started seem to slip from my mind. I find myself stumbling over my words. It's frustrating and discouraging when I find myself miscommunicating, especially with the people who I want to understand me the most. I find myself feeling so limited by the words coming out of my mouth. Words seem to take away from the emotion welling up inside.

"One's actions ought to come out of an achieved stillness: not to be rushing on." - D.H. Lawrence

To be still. To silence the mind. To calm the body. To listen. What a concept, generally not common to the average person. It takes great effort to achieve stillness. An effort of letting go, of stopping, of waiting.

I want that. I want to let go, to have control but really more than anything to sit back, be slient and observe what is around me. He has given me so much. I am blessed beyond all measure and yet I generally wallow in my own misfortunes. When I think about it all though--when I remember that this world and more importantly my God is so much bigger than me and my issues, my problems--my desires seem so small and insignificant. If only I could keep that into perspective all the time.

“There are not many things in life so beautiful as true friendship, and not many things more uncommon.” -Author Unknown

I have been blessed with wonderful friendships. Let me begin by remembering this. I get to spend time with some of my closest friends on a regular basis and for that I am grateful. They are incredible people who have had a vast impact on my life. I miss them. Many of them I see several times a week if not everyday and yet I miss them. I feel like I haven't gotten what I need from my relationships. I can't remember the last time I had a deep conversation with someone I cared about. I need that. I can only have so many surface level conversations at a time. I need depth in my conversations and relationships. I feel like there is so much inside me that is wanting to come to the surface--there is so much I want to share. I don't think that I had completely realized that until now. Just thinking about it is causing tears to fall.

I miss meaningful conversations, sitting silent in the same room, knowing what is going on in their lives, but most importantly I miss knowing that someone else desires to know the same about me.

“Our minds are finite, and even in this condition we are surrounded by possibilities that are infinite--our purpose is to grasp as much as we can."

What is purpose? Webster's Dictionary defines Purpose as 'the reason which something exists or is done, made, used.' That seems simple enough. As I look around me everything seems to have some sort of purpose, from the scissors on my desk to my car sitting in the parking lot. Let me personalize this a little bit. I guess I am wondering what is my purpose? That can be as big as my purpose in life, or as little as my purpose for even writing this blog. There are days when I have no clue why I am here and others in which I am so passionate about my reason, my purpose for where I am right now.

Maybe it's easier to define who I am right now. Let's see--I am a college student. I am a daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, niece, friend, and role model. I am an RA. I am a Family Psychology major. I am a child of God. There are so many dynamics of what makes me into the person--the whole that I am. All of these things, bring great influence into who I want to be and why I am here.

So what is my purpose? I could say the Sunday school answer which is to follow Jesus, and though that is true there is, or should be, so much more to why I am here on this earth. I desire to serve. I am wired that way--to give back to others. I like to be there to not only hear people but to listen to them. I desire deep friendships. My purpose is to give of myself. I think I bring a dynamic of realness to the table as well. I try and work hard to be real with people. I won't sugar coat things, that's not how I was made. I despise it when someone tries to make things seem better than they really are. It's not that I'm pessimistic--I actually like to think of myself as an optimist, whether that is true or not I am not really sure but I'm going to tell you the truth.

There are so many times when I wonder why God placed me where I am right now. Sometimes His plan seems completely different than mine (which is definitely okay). I know I have a purpose for why I am 'here' and I have a glimpse of what that purpose is, but I will patiently wait to find out the rest as I live out my life. The Lord will reveal the right amount at the right time and I'm okay with that.

“Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.” - Oswald Chambers

This morning when I was reading the word, I kept thinking about Daniel. He had a great passion for the Lord and incredible faith. He was faced with death if He continued to worship his God but that didn't stop him. He prayed, knowing full well that the Lord would protect him. Even in the lion's den he had faith that he would be delivered.

Sometimes I wonder where my faith in the Lord has gone. I find myself often praying to the Father, saying 'I trust you, I have faith in Your plan.' but whenever my prayer ends I begin to doubt. In the hard times I doubt. I think faith goes hand in hand with patience. It's very difficult to have one without the other. When you are patient it is because you have faith that something will happen and when you are trusting and putting your faith in someone it requires great patience.

In my arrogance I once thought that I had it all together and had nothing left to learn from the Lord. What a dangerous place to be. Now I realize that I have so much I need to learn. I used to pray that I would find satisfaction in the Lord and when I think about that now I realize that is not at all what I want. I never want to be completely satisfied in the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for anything other than Him but I want to always be longing for more of Him. I fear that if I ever become completely satisfied in Him that I will quit searching for more. I am growing. My baby-like faith is maturing. I know that. But I want to be able to have the faith of men like Daniel. Who had faith in the Lord even when facing death.

"Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself than others, nor thinking badly of your gifts. It means freedom from thinking of yourself at all."

I used to think that humility was thinking less of myself. It was being critical of my successes, negating any compliments spoken towards me, talking about how I could do better. It's so funny though, everything I just said completely revolves around me--'my successes', 'compliments spoken towards me', and 'how I could do better'. I don't think that that is humility at all. Being humble is making it not about me.

Humility, in my life is to be a vessel crafted for practical use, invisible to those around me, something that doesn't attract others by my 'beauty' or unique design but because I was used to further the kingdom. I don't want anyone to necessarily see the creation (me) but rather the Creator with His signature written on my heart. That to me is how I should live in humility, not putting myself down, not singing my own praises but rather not speaking of myself or drawing attention to myself in any fashion. That is humility.

I really like these two short verses found in I Thessalonians 4:11-12 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." I think that's it in a nutshell, this is how life should be lived--in humility.