"Honestly..."

I have been struggling with this deep aching in my heart for several months now--never quite finding the right way to quench the longing or to express its depth. I am a creative person. I paint, draw, write and play. Yet none of these disciplines have come close to exemplifying my driving force--my cravings for depth and for meaning. I cry out, reach out and constantly look for ways to develop myself into a more rounded, complete person, and yet none of this has come with much satisfaction. I am always longing for more--for a way to out-pour the very thing that keeps me inhaling and exhaling, the very thing that causes my heart to pump and my passion to come alive.

Here I am. I have fallen short of any such expression. The passion that wells up inside of me has been short-handed--given nothing more than a small box to call its dwelling and a rare opportunity to air its magnitude. I long to sit with a friend and speculate on the vastness of God or to share our heart-cries. I yearn for more, for the ability to effectively express my thoughts, longings and dreams. Yet somehow despite trying, here I am--still longing.

I do not write these words for someone to come up with a solution. On the contrary, I would much prefer a listening ear and a loss for words than a closed mind and a methodical solution. I guess all in all what I'm trying to say is simply this: I am tired of complacency and routine. I am disgusted with half-hearted listening and the masquerade of togetherness. I crave honesty and vulnerability--something that seems so foreign in our busy lives. I know I am guilty of these things and with my pride set aside I admit I fall short. I am no where near where I want to be but I think I have finally come to the realization that I am willing to continue striving.

The Messiah, in John 14:27, says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Therefore "may the peace of Christ rule in [my] heart, since as a member of one body [I was] called to peace. And be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

May the peace of Christ envelope each of us as we strive for much of Him.