"Renewing Rains"

What an excellent way to start the day--sitting outside on the front porch watching the morning rain fall down on the earth. Listening to the methodic pounding on the concrete walk--the cars passing by leaving ripples as the ever-increasing puddles fight to regain their shape. The sound of morning birds calling to one another in greetings. All-the-while the refreshing smell of rain droplets penetrate my nostrils--promising new life to the grassy fields, to the robin who leans in for chilling refreshment. The breeze, as it rustles the newly formed leaves, reminds me of the importance of faith. Though I cannot see, I still believe. The sun, giving way to the earth's pleading for rain--a new day has begun.

"You have promised me a new day, Oh Lord. You promise to provide for me just as you provide the earth its lifeblood. So here are my thoughts, concerns and desires. Here are my passions and my plans. Ruin me. In my own selfish gain, ruin me. May the beating of my heart and the air escaping my lips be only for your glory and not my own."

"Honestly..."

I have been struggling with this deep aching in my heart for several months now--never quite finding the right way to quench the longing or to express its depth. I am a creative person. I paint, draw, write and play. Yet none of these disciplines have come close to exemplifying my driving force--my cravings for depth and for meaning. I cry out, reach out and constantly look for ways to develop myself into a more rounded, complete person, and yet none of this has come with much satisfaction. I am always longing for more--for a way to out-pour the very thing that keeps me inhaling and exhaling, the very thing that causes my heart to pump and my passion to come alive.

Here I am. I have fallen short of any such expression. The passion that wells up inside of me has been short-handed--given nothing more than a small box to call its dwelling and a rare opportunity to air its magnitude. I long to sit with a friend and speculate on the vastness of God or to share our heart-cries. I yearn for more, for the ability to effectively express my thoughts, longings and dreams. Yet somehow despite trying, here I am--still longing.

I do not write these words for someone to come up with a solution. On the contrary, I would much prefer a listening ear and a loss for words than a closed mind and a methodical solution. I guess all in all what I'm trying to say is simply this: I am tired of complacency and routine. I am disgusted with half-hearted listening and the masquerade of togetherness. I crave honesty and vulnerability--something that seems so foreign in our busy lives. I know I am guilty of these things and with my pride set aside I admit I fall short. I am no where near where I want to be but I think I have finally come to the realization that I am willing to continue striving.

The Messiah, in John 14:27, says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Therefore "may the peace of Christ rule in [my] heart, since as a member of one body [I was] called to peace. And be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

May the peace of Christ envelope each of us as we strive for much of Him.

A day in History

As I am typing these words the smell of smoke is seeping through every crack and crevasse in my home. It's a reminder of the devastation that is happening not twenty miles from here. I hear the complaints of companions and even my own. Things like "I'm sorry your house is on fire but I want to watch The Office" (which isn't on due to continuous news coverage) or "Maybe we'll get out of school tomorrow that way I can sleep in." Oh how I pray the Lord will humble His people! How sad that we are more concerned with the mundane. How petty are our lives.

Lately I have been thinking of future jobs and what life will look like after May 23rd--often wondering where will I be and what will be next. It wasn't until tonight when I was holding hands with eight Godly women that I finally heard the voice of the Lord say that He was in control. It again made me realize that I haven't given all of myself to Him. After we prayed and everyone went their separate ways I was compelled to stay there and listen. The girls practicing for Chapel started singing through several songs that I knew but then they began singing new lyrics, ones that were unfamiliar to me. "Hallelujah, hallelujah...Whatever's in front of me help me to sing hallelujah..." These words penetrated my soul. It was as if I had a glimpse of a God MUCH bigger than myself, one that no words could express. As it says in the book of Romans my spirit interceded with heavenly groaning--a longing for an ever faithful God that I have been so complacent about in recent weeks.

I prayed tonight that the devastation, that is at this very moment growing greater, wouldn't be remembered as a day of tragedy; rather that revival would spring up from the ashes and His glory would reign! I think the verse at the top of my blog is very relevant right now: "The Lord Said 'I will answer the pleading of the sky for clouds, which will pour down water on the earth in answer to its cries for rain.'"
- Hosea 2:21

Have Faith.

Be Yourself.

It's been a while since I have last written. I have actually done a poor job at keeping up with this. It's not that I don't have things to write, it's that sometimes I fear what my heart is saying is far too personal for an internet journal. There is something about writing your deepest thoughts, clicking submit, and not thinking twice about who has access. I just can't forget how powerful that submit button truly is, that and my choice to omit or add to the core of what I'm trying to say.

You see, I've learned great life lessons in recent months, some I will treasure forever, tagging them as milestones in my short experience. It is these lessons that are molding, sometimes painful, but always beneficial to my ever continual growth.

Recently I learned that not everything is about me...mind you that was actually a hard lesson to learn. It is quite easy to focus on what you know, that being your own thoughts and feelings, rather than guessing what others are thinking. This past month I encountered a personal revelation that every person thinks that if things are not going their way then they are somehow being attacked...the truth however is that everyone's defense is somehow translated into an offense...leaving a big mess of confusion and miscommunication among all parties. The best solution I have determined is to sometimes realize the conflict has nothing to do with you and to step aside, allowing the other party to sort through their issues. Don't make everything a personal attack, contaminating the truth with your own personal agenda. Let the facts alone. Don't take everything personally and don't assume that they are "mad" at you simply because everything isn't peachy 24/7 (Know I'm writing this for myself as much as the next guy).

In my most recent conflict I finally realized that I could no longer rack my brain figuring out what I did wrong, or stretch my creativity in trying to prove I am "good enough". I realized it wasn't about me. I realized I had nothing to prove and no wrong that needed to be forgiven. I examined myself with an honest eye, searching for my mistakes and found none that had not previously been forgiven. It was then that I realized that I was good enough. It was then that I was free! That I could present myself as I am, without anything to prove and without anything to give but myself and my talents. It was then that I released the idea that I needed to be something I am not...instead I grabbed hold to the challenge to be the best possible version of myself, careful to judge, quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger...that I might come without fault.

Examine your heart and rid yourself of all that is impure. Present yourself, holy and pleasing to the Lord. But mostly be yourself. The Father created you in His perfect image to be the person that you are. Don't try to change it as you will taint His plan for you. This is not a fix-all. Sometimes even after all of this that person may say they don't want to be your friend, or (you fill in the blank)...but at least you can walk away knowing that you were true to yourself and to your Father in Heaven.

"Abba, as the song so plainly states would you strip away all that remains until there is nothing left of me. May my spirit be pleasing to You. May I present myself as a workman, faultless and blameless in Your sight, having nothing to prove. May I offer up myself and when I am turned down may I turn to Your embrace. Bless me indeed."

Rejoice.

Early in the semester I painted a series of three paintings to put on the wall above my bed. Two of them are modern, containing squares and lines which are pleasing to the eye but the third, the middle painting, is simply a black canvas with the word "rejoice" painted across it in white paint--as if to remind me every morning when I wake and see that single word that I should rejoice in the day that the Lord has made.

Rejoice. It seems as if I have done everything but that lately. That I have complained in the day the Lord has made or been angry in the day that the Lord has made, or even complacent...

I am very fortunate, there is no question. I am thankful for being reminded tonight when I walked in my room and actually stopped and looked at that word instead of ignoring it's presence. REJOICE.

May I rejoice in YOU, regardless of what is to come. May I rejoice in you when all hope seems gone.

Alone?

I long to write something of worth--wishing the words on this page would give a glimpse into the depths of my heart. I long to breathe in the thickness of the air and contribute in a positive way to those around me. I desire to throw off the trivial, to embrace the meaningful and to linger on the image of the Holy One. I find myself desperate for substance, longing for a moment to share my heart-cries with one who is willing to hear. The loneliness of this world is overwhelming at times. I know that I am losing sight of my purpose, my intimate relationship with the Father, when I look and see myself walking this trail alone. I know He will never leave me but He is saddened by the emptiness of my heart. (Fill me up oh God)

James 3:3-5

I have allowed my circumstances to affect my mood lately. Today I found myself becoming angry at every small thing--the temperature of the room, the professor who called me by the wrong name, the open cabinet in our kitchen. How ridiculous that something so small can steer my entire mood.

My tongue has also caused me great trouble--oh how my words have contaminated my very being. My words must be a reflection of my heart, as I feel apathetic to all around me. My tone of voice, my choice to talk poorly of people who have done nothing to me, my inability to silence my words when I need not speak--when did I become so undisciplined in my response to others? Is it the lack of sleep (likely) but there is no way this can be blamed on sleep-deprivation alone. I have allowed Satan to take control of much of my life--as if this sourness in my mood runs to my core. NO MORE.

I will not allow Satan to have control any longer.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.