I find myself in a place in my life that is challenging and trying at times but even being in the midst of it I know that I would not trade this season of my life for all the security in the world. The last fifteen months of searching for a job, having a couple temporary jobs, living on my own and having to depend on others for a place to sleep has been an adventure to say the least. There is not one decision that I regret, not one step of faith that I wish I could erase. I am content in knowing that I have sought God in most every decision I have made and have learned the cost of anxiety in those I haven’t. Yes, there are days when I do not think I can make it without having some sense of direction; and yes, there are times when all that is within me longs for mercy—for some sense of relief. However, when I think back on the last several months I am humbled to say that they have not been in vain. I pray my Father in heaven be glorified in who He is creating me to be. I am unable to sit in silence and allow my life waste away any longer. My God fashioned me to love and serve Him. God’s purpose in my life was not to make me great but to make Himself great within me. It is my hope that as He continues to refine me and mold me that His place in my life would be apparent.
“Most High God, I come before You humbled and broken. You have opened my eyes to Your desire to bring glory back to Yourself. May Your name be known. May Your name become famous that every nation and every tribe and every tongue know of Your great love. Holy, holy are You, Oh God. I am unworthy, yet You love me. I am nothing yet You rejoice over me with singing. May Your refining fire never leave me. Teach me Your ways, Oh God. May my life and breath bring You glory.”
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Brokeness, is what I long for?
Do you remember that chorus "Holiness, holiness is what I long for, holiness is what I need. So take my life and form it, take my mind, transform it. Take my will conform it. To yours, to yours Oh Lord." There was also a verse about faithfulness, but the verse that has stuck with me in recent days is the cry for brokeness. "Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for." Who truly cries to be broken? Being broken is painful and messy. It is like asking for your life to be turned upside-down. Have you ever had your life turned upside-down? It's not necessarily fun.
I have found myself praying for this very thing. Brokeness. I know it will be painful. I know it will stretch me and at times leave me empty but I also know that if I don't become broken of my ideals and agenda then I will never become the woman God intended.
Selfishly, I want nothing to do with brokeness. I do not want to be vulnerable. More desperately, however I want, no I need, to be broken so that I can become a vessel for Christ.
"Father, break me. Break my stony heart. Desolve the coldness in my heart and give me a passion for your people. Teach me to love like you love. May I fall hard after You, oh my God."
I have found myself praying for this very thing. Brokeness. I know it will be painful. I know it will stretch me and at times leave me empty but I also know that if I don't become broken of my ideals and agenda then I will never become the woman God intended.
Selfishly, I want nothing to do with brokeness. I do not want to be vulnerable. More desperately, however I want, no I need, to be broken so that I can become a vessel for Christ.
"Father, break me. Break my stony heart. Desolve the coldness in my heart and give me a passion for your people. Teach me to love like you love. May I fall hard after You, oh my God."
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
"A Time to Plant and a Time to Uproot"
It is true that we are in a constant state of change--that the only constant, unwavering being is God Himself. It should be of no surprise to us when a new change takes place. We should be fluid human beings, ones that are ready to make a change at a moments notice.
It is a great idea anyway, but luckily God did not create us in the robotic fashion that I spoke of above. No, He implanted emotion and desires. He gave us longing and memories. He created us to develop connections with our surroundings. Whether there is change happening all around us or change happening within, it comes with the challenge of leaving what you were and taking a leap of faith towards what is ahead. Whether it is good or bad or a little of both, change takes some obvious getting used to.
All this to say that this past year has been filled with seasons of change. Even today I find myself making yet another big transition in my life. I was recently offered a summer job at Falls Creek Youth Camp, a job I have done three summers before. Though I never expected to work there again I am looking forward to all God has for me.
This means a few different things. It means that in the next 2 and a half weeks I am packing up my apartment and putting my things in storage. It means that things are still up in the air for August and beyond, though most likely I would not be moving back to Chelsea. But most importantly it means that I am giving over my comfort and security to God and trusting that He will put me where I need to be to be most effective in service to Him.
This transition is not the easiest. I have loved being in Chelsea and being a part of the church family here but I know that just because my physical address might change it doesn't mean that I won't have a "family" here that loves me. It has been a blessing to be a part of this town but I am looking forward to serving Him this summer at camp.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1
It is a great idea anyway, but luckily God did not create us in the robotic fashion that I spoke of above. No, He implanted emotion and desires. He gave us longing and memories. He created us to develop connections with our surroundings. Whether there is change happening all around us or change happening within, it comes with the challenge of leaving what you were and taking a leap of faith towards what is ahead. Whether it is good or bad or a little of both, change takes some obvious getting used to.
All this to say that this past year has been filled with seasons of change. Even today I find myself making yet another big transition in my life. I was recently offered a summer job at Falls Creek Youth Camp, a job I have done three summers before. Though I never expected to work there again I am looking forward to all God has for me.
This means a few different things. It means that in the next 2 and a half weeks I am packing up my apartment and putting my things in storage. It means that things are still up in the air for August and beyond, though most likely I would not be moving back to Chelsea. But most importantly it means that I am giving over my comfort and security to God and trusting that He will put me where I need to be to be most effective in service to Him.
This transition is not the easiest. I have loved being in Chelsea and being a part of the church family here but I know that just because my physical address might change it doesn't mean that I won't have a "family" here that loves me. It has been a blessing to be a part of this town but I am looking forward to serving Him this summer at camp.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1
Monday, February 15, 2010
"He has Showed You what is Good"
"With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?" Micah 6:6-7
So often we ask the same thing. What should I offer my God? What will compensate for my wrong-doing? We begin to live a lifestyle of works, thinking that if we work hard enough and do enough good deeds God will be pleased. Wrong. James 2:17 says "....faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead." This is true. However, so often we focus on the action of doing and overlook faith in the equation. We do not serve a God that can be bought. All the good deeds in the world cannot save your soul. I'm not saying there isn't a place for good deeds. Jesus himself, called us to love the poor and the weak. What I am saying is empty works are just that--empty. God is not looking for a resume' of good works--for someone to buy their way to heaven out of guilt. He is looking for a person, who will live with integrity, who will honor Him inside and out.
Right after the question was asked, "with what shall I come before the Lord?" the answer was given in Micah 6:8. “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Let us think on this for a moment: to act justly and love mercy and walk humbly with your God. Notice the lack of commas which would suggest that one be done after the other. No, instead "and" appears in its place. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "and" as a function word to indicate connection. Verse 8 says that we should "live justly and love mercy and walk humbly." Each should be done equally and simultaneously with the previous. It isn't an option of picking and choosing.
What does this mean? It means that as believers we are called to act in a way that honors our brothers in Christ but more importantly our God. It means to be merciful to our neighbor and when our neighbor isn't merciful in return to love them anyway. Finally it means to rid ourselves of pompous thinking--to move our focus from ourselves to others and Christ and to live graciously. I can guarantee that this is not an easy thing to do. I also guarantee that there will be times when we will cry out to God. But I know that if we don't examine our hearts and rid ourselves of all unrighteous (including selfish gain) that one day, you and I both will look back and regret not living to our fullest potential which is to honor Christ.
"Father, show me how to strip myself of selfish gain. Envelope me. May my every breath be for Your glory. Without you, my life is meaningless. May I not live on this earth only to die in vain, having not furthered Your kingdom. To You be the glory, forever and ever. Amen."
So often we ask the same thing. What should I offer my God? What will compensate for my wrong-doing? We begin to live a lifestyle of works, thinking that if we work hard enough and do enough good deeds God will be pleased. Wrong. James 2:17 says "....faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead." This is true. However, so often we focus on the action of doing and overlook faith in the equation. We do not serve a God that can be bought. All the good deeds in the world cannot save your soul. I'm not saying there isn't a place for good deeds. Jesus himself, called us to love the poor and the weak. What I am saying is empty works are just that--empty. God is not looking for a resume' of good works--for someone to buy their way to heaven out of guilt. He is looking for a person, who will live with integrity, who will honor Him inside and out.
Right after the question was asked, "with what shall I come before the Lord?" the answer was given in Micah 6:8. “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Let us think on this for a moment: to act justly and love mercy and walk humbly with your God. Notice the lack of commas which would suggest that one be done after the other. No, instead "and" appears in its place. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "and" as a function word to indicate connection. Verse 8 says that we should "live justly and love mercy and walk humbly." Each should be done equally and simultaneously with the previous. It isn't an option of picking and choosing.
What does this mean? It means that as believers we are called to act in a way that honors our brothers in Christ but more importantly our God. It means to be merciful to our neighbor and when our neighbor isn't merciful in return to love them anyway. Finally it means to rid ourselves of pompous thinking--to move our focus from ourselves to others and Christ and to live graciously. I can guarantee that this is not an easy thing to do. I also guarantee that there will be times when we will cry out to God. But I know that if we don't examine our hearts and rid ourselves of all unrighteous (including selfish gain) that one day, you and I both will look back and regret not living to our fullest potential which is to honor Christ.
"Father, show me how to strip myself of selfish gain. Envelope me. May my every breath be for Your glory. Without you, my life is meaningless. May I not live on this earth only to die in vain, having not furthered Your kingdom. To You be the glory, forever and ever. Amen."
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Pressing On.
I realize my posts have a similar trend and often state the same truths. Regardless, I invite you to walk alongside me as you get a glimpse of my heart and the things God has taught me through this new phase in life.
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:12-14
Eight months ago I graduated from college, finished my last day of work and embarked on a new journey--one that would have twists and turns I could not imagine. I spent my summer months roaming, searching, grasping for something. Finally in late July, after months of silence I heard His voice--a sense of direction, finally! So I gathered my earthly belongings and moved! Admittedly I thought that things would fall into place once I settled in--that I would have a source of income, a social life, a sense of purpose and belonging. It was as if I had pictured life after college to be the last chapter, that it was all smooth sailing. Of course, logically I knew there would be trials and I knew that I would be stretched but I am not sure that reality had struck quite yet.
Five months, 30+ job applications, and a hit and miss part-time job later I am beginning to realize something I knew all along--life is not the perfect dream! One thing remains true however, God is sovereign! I know I have said this before but I will not be convinced otherwise. I remember writing a philosophy paper in college about whether God determined good or if good determined God. Think about that for a minute. I don't remember my conclusion in the paper exactly but I can tell you this: God's desire is for the greater good. We are a narrow-minded, selfish people who ninety-nine percent of the time look to our own interests first. God is not confined to our way of thinking. He sees the bigger picture, the WHOLE picture. So what if things are not the way I planned. Regardless of my plan, my prayer is that I would be willing to further His kingdom! I have never before felt this strongly about that objective.
Even knowing these things it is easy to allow the fact that my finances are dwindling rapidly, that I have no prospects for employment and that I will likely have to move out of my apartment, get me down at times. Then there was tonight. As a youth worker I have the opportunity to hear a good friend and mentor share his heart. He spoke about pressing on. When you are in the thick of it, tired and can't muster up enough strength to take another step, press on anyway. When things seem grim, when all you want to do is quit, press on.
"Father, you know my heart. Your Word says You knitted me together in my mother's womb. You rejoice over me in love. Abba, when my strength is fleeting I cry out to You to lift me up. I have faith in You, not because of Your goodness towards me but because You deserve my praise. When my pride seeps to my bones, You are patient. You gently remind me of Your majesty. I admit, some days I don't want to do things the way You would have me do them. But with every fiber I cry,'All for Your glory.' Lord, let it be."
"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:12-14
Eight months ago I graduated from college, finished my last day of work and embarked on a new journey--one that would have twists and turns I could not imagine. I spent my summer months roaming, searching, grasping for something. Finally in late July, after months of silence I heard His voice--a sense of direction, finally! So I gathered my earthly belongings and moved! Admittedly I thought that things would fall into place once I settled in--that I would have a source of income, a social life, a sense of purpose and belonging. It was as if I had pictured life after college to be the last chapter, that it was all smooth sailing. Of course, logically I knew there would be trials and I knew that I would be stretched but I am not sure that reality had struck quite yet.
Five months, 30+ job applications, and a hit and miss part-time job later I am beginning to realize something I knew all along--life is not the perfect dream! One thing remains true however, God is sovereign! I know I have said this before but I will not be convinced otherwise. I remember writing a philosophy paper in college about whether God determined good or if good determined God. Think about that for a minute. I don't remember my conclusion in the paper exactly but I can tell you this: God's desire is for the greater good. We are a narrow-minded, selfish people who ninety-nine percent of the time look to our own interests first. God is not confined to our way of thinking. He sees the bigger picture, the WHOLE picture. So what if things are not the way I planned. Regardless of my plan, my prayer is that I would be willing to further His kingdom! I have never before felt this strongly about that objective.
Even knowing these things it is easy to allow the fact that my finances are dwindling rapidly, that I have no prospects for employment and that I will likely have to move out of my apartment, get me down at times. Then there was tonight. As a youth worker I have the opportunity to hear a good friend and mentor share his heart. He spoke about pressing on. When you are in the thick of it, tired and can't muster up enough strength to take another step, press on anyway. When things seem grim, when all you want to do is quit, press on.
"Father, you know my heart. Your Word says You knitted me together in my mother's womb. You rejoice over me in love. Abba, when my strength is fleeting I cry out to You to lift me up. I have faith in You, not because of Your goodness towards me but because You deserve my praise. When my pride seeps to my bones, You are patient. You gently remind me of Your majesty. I admit, some days I don't want to do things the way You would have me do them. But with every fiber I cry,'All for Your glory.' Lord, let it be."
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sovereign God.
Many times as believers in Christ we get an idea that God will provide--as if He will automatically bail us out regardless of the circumstance. I too have fallen victim of this notion. As I grow in my faith I find that this is a simple way of thinking. We serve a complex God. One that does not fit our mold or our agenda.
Even with this in mind, I have come to this simple truth: God is sovereign. Regardless of my circumstance I cannot believe otherwise. Recently I read a friend's blog questioning the sovereignty of God. He was sharing his hurt of recently hearing that a well-known pastor was diagnosed with brain cancer. In this blog He stated that He had a hard time believing the sovereignty of God when something like this has happened. Though I respect his words I can appreciate the response of a mutual friend. "Is the goal of life to live 90 years on earth or to follow God in the years that we have on earth? While I can completely understand the loss of a friend and great teacher, we do not preach, teach, live moral, so that we will have a long life. Righteous people die, just like the unrighteous - the rain falls on the wicked and the pure. The plan of my Father is beyond my understanding, but it is His. The reality of the effect of sin on our world is real." This is something I have realized as of late. Just because I am a young, innocent, believer--one who has done little wrong in this world compared to many, this does not mean that God will automatically "save" me from my predicament.
The well-known verse Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" This is something we hear often, especially during new chapters in life surrounding graduation from high school and college. We read this, hear this and say this then seem to expect those "plans" to take affect immediately. My mom recently pointed out to me that we tend to over look verse 10 which states "This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place....'" Verse 10 changes everything in my opinion. He's saying, "Things will be tough. Years of struggle and trial may go by but I will come back for you. It may not be today or tomorrow or even this year but I have a plan for your life. Stick with me, be faithful and I will fulfill your life and give you a future." It is even through struggle that we have hope.
There are two things I can say about my life at this point. One, it is not at all what I expected. And two, it has allowed me to appreciate my many blessings. I live in a small town that I never that I would live in again, without a job that I didn't think would be hard to find, surrounded by friends who, for the most part, I didn't know six months ago. Regardless, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, electricity, unexpected friendship, love, and much more.
Let me tell you friends, even if I had none of these my God would still be sovereign.
Not of me, but of Him.
Even with this in mind, I have come to this simple truth: God is sovereign. Regardless of my circumstance I cannot believe otherwise. Recently I read a friend's blog questioning the sovereignty of God. He was sharing his hurt of recently hearing that a well-known pastor was diagnosed with brain cancer. In this blog He stated that He had a hard time believing the sovereignty of God when something like this has happened. Though I respect his words I can appreciate the response of a mutual friend. "Is the goal of life to live 90 years on earth or to follow God in the years that we have on earth? While I can completely understand the loss of a friend and great teacher, we do not preach, teach, live moral, so that we will have a long life. Righteous people die, just like the unrighteous - the rain falls on the wicked and the pure. The plan of my Father is beyond my understanding, but it is His. The reality of the effect of sin on our world is real." This is something I have realized as of late. Just because I am a young, innocent, believer--one who has done little wrong in this world compared to many, this does not mean that God will automatically "save" me from my predicament.
The well-known verse Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" This is something we hear often, especially during new chapters in life surrounding graduation from high school and college. We read this, hear this and say this then seem to expect those "plans" to take affect immediately. My mom recently pointed out to me that we tend to over look verse 10 which states "This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place....'" Verse 10 changes everything in my opinion. He's saying, "Things will be tough. Years of struggle and trial may go by but I will come back for you. It may not be today or tomorrow or even this year but I have a plan for your life. Stick with me, be faithful and I will fulfill your life and give you a future." It is even through struggle that we have hope.
There are two things I can say about my life at this point. One, it is not at all what I expected. And two, it has allowed me to appreciate my many blessings. I live in a small town that I never that I would live in again, without a job that I didn't think would be hard to find, surrounded by friends who, for the most part, I didn't know six months ago. Regardless, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, electricity, unexpected friendship, love, and much more.
Let me tell you friends, even if I had none of these my God would still be sovereign.
Not of me, but of Him.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
"A Faith Worth Living For"
Stepping out on faith can be difficult, terrifying and even sometimes lonely. Never once has it been said that this would be easy. As a matter of fact I expected much of what I am feeling. As I'm in the midst of it however, I am ashamed of my doubt and insecurity.
I prayed and God answered me in a extremely cool and real way. It's so easy for me though, to listen to the voice of "reason" saying it doesn't make sense or to get overwhelmed when I think about taking a step of faith. It terrifies me when I think about committing, about stepping out of my comfort zone, about saying "God I cannot do this without you" and having to trust in Him to be my comfort, my companion, my support. I also want to do right in the eyes of those who love me. In my weakness, I want them to be proud of my decisions. I want to prove to them that I have arrived into "adulthood" (whatever that means). I have always said that I would make them proud with how I handle myself, that I would never put myself into a position that seemed irresponsible. And yet, here I am faced with a silly decision--leap or stay on dry ground. It is in this weakness that the dry ground seems enticing. It calls to me, to my need to be comfortable. At the same time I cannot help but wonder what kind of mind-blowing blessings are on the other side of this decision. Hebrews chapter 11 is filled with people who did things that seemed crazy but God BLESSED them. We cannot forget men like Joshua who marched around a city for seven days and the walls came tumbling down, or Noah who faithfully built an ark to escape the flood waters while others mocked him. What about Daniel who remained faithful and the Lord shut the lions' mouths, or Rahab who allowed spies into her home and her life was spared because of it. This leap of faith seems small in comparison.
It is always interesting when you are struggling and things in your daily life seem to speak to those struggles. Today in Sunday School we were talking about the disciples in the final hours of Jesus' life on earth. As they were approaching Gethsemane, Jesus called to them to wait, keep watch and pray. Instead of doing this they fell asleep. After Jesus returned from praying he came to them and said, "Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?....The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." How true. Often times we want to follow Christ, we want to take a step of faith, believe, jump, leap, give Him everything, but our "flesh" gets in the way. In this case my pride, comfort, and fear of being alone are getting in the way of taking a leap.
"Father, help me to open my hands wide to your calling. Take my finances, my need for approval, my fear of being alone, of being forgotten. Lord, may every breath and every beat of my heart be for you. I want nothing if I cannot have you. I want nothing if I will not live my life for you. Show me how to step out on faith. I cannot live this life alone. I have all my life pictured what tomorrow would be like but now I pray that you would ruin the plans that I have and show me what your will is for my life. Father, give me courage."
I prayed and God answered me in a extremely cool and real way. It's so easy for me though, to listen to the voice of "reason" saying it doesn't make sense or to get overwhelmed when I think about taking a step of faith. It terrifies me when I think about committing, about stepping out of my comfort zone, about saying "God I cannot do this without you" and having to trust in Him to be my comfort, my companion, my support. I also want to do right in the eyes of those who love me. In my weakness, I want them to be proud of my decisions. I want to prove to them that I have arrived into "adulthood" (whatever that means). I have always said that I would make them proud with how I handle myself, that I would never put myself into a position that seemed irresponsible. And yet, here I am faced with a silly decision--leap or stay on dry ground. It is in this weakness that the dry ground seems enticing. It calls to me, to my need to be comfortable. At the same time I cannot help but wonder what kind of mind-blowing blessings are on the other side of this decision. Hebrews chapter 11 is filled with people who did things that seemed crazy but God BLESSED them. We cannot forget men like Joshua who marched around a city for seven days and the walls came tumbling down, or Noah who faithfully built an ark to escape the flood waters while others mocked him. What about Daniel who remained faithful and the Lord shut the lions' mouths, or Rahab who allowed spies into her home and her life was spared because of it. This leap of faith seems small in comparison.
It is always interesting when you are struggling and things in your daily life seem to speak to those struggles. Today in Sunday School we were talking about the disciples in the final hours of Jesus' life on earth. As they were approaching Gethsemane, Jesus called to them to wait, keep watch and pray. Instead of doing this they fell asleep. After Jesus returned from praying he came to them and said, "Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?....The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." How true. Often times we want to follow Christ, we want to take a step of faith, believe, jump, leap, give Him everything, but our "flesh" gets in the way. In this case my pride, comfort, and fear of being alone are getting in the way of taking a leap.
"Father, help me to open my hands wide to your calling. Take my finances, my need for approval, my fear of being alone, of being forgotten. Lord, may every breath and every beat of my heart be for you. I want nothing if I cannot have you. I want nothing if I will not live my life for you. Show me how to step out on faith. I cannot live this life alone. I have all my life pictured what tomorrow would be like but now I pray that you would ruin the plans that I have and show me what your will is for my life. Father, give me courage."
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