Nothing else matters...

I am weak, imperfect and afraid. It may appear on the outside that I am a strong, independent, can roll with the punches sort of girl, but if I am being honest I know that I can do none of these. It is only through Christ that I am strong. My independence is rooted in His unfailing love and it is only by His refining fires that I am able to see trial as good.

I ran across a quote from John Piper not long ago that stopped me in my happy-go-lucky tracks:

"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

This quote instantly exposed the shallowness of my one-sided faith in God. I am ashamed to say that too easily the answer to that question would more often than not be "yes". Is that the extent of my love for the Lord? When I face trials I go running to the Lord but when things are good I almost always fall away, thinking I can handle it on my own. How proud of me to think I can handle anything on my own. I cannot.

Last year the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller became sort of an anthem for my life, saying that as I wait I will continue to praise the Lord. There was nothing wrong with this idea until I began to assume that the Lord would indeed deliver me out of my situation. Now, however, I find myself asking the question "what if"--what if He chooses not to deliver me from this place in life?, what if this is exactly what God has purposed for my life? Am I willing to live it to the fullest and quit looking for the next "out", thinking that surely He has something much more grandiose for my incredible life? Woe to me.

"Father, you are good to me and so often in your blessings I lose sight of you. Your blessings feel good and bring me great joy, but without you they are nothing. I desire to live for you alone but I constantly get distracted by the good things in my life that I run after more good feelings and leave you by the wayside. Forgive me oh Lord. Without you I am nothing. I know now that no good feeling will ever fill up the void in my heart. Forgive me for trying to stuff people and things and places into a God-sized hole. Let my feet run after you and my eyes see none but you. Lord, let it be."

More than a To-Do List...

I have experienced an incredible journey thus far in my life. I am honored and blessed to know the Lord as I do. I am humbled to be called His. So often I find myself wrapped up in the task of doing and learning that I forget to stop and spend time with Him. I can easily spend hours in my day reading about Him, how to live for Him and even busy myself praying to Him with an agenda in mind. Though these are well and good they are inferior compared to resting in Him.

"Most High God, You are more than a book, more than a Bible Study, more than a daily task to check off. You are more than a good feeling, more than a half-hearted commitment to follow. Father, You are my portion. You must be. Without You, I am without life and breath--my days meaningless. Father, may You be my first thought and my last. May You be more than a thing to accomplish in my day but may I allow You to walk alongside me in every decision, every thought and every action. May You not be stuffed in a corner or put on a shelf. God You are my all. Let that be true. May nothing come above You. Nothing. All else is meaningless compared to my love-relationship with You. May my passion for You far exceed my passion for life. Knowing You, serving You--that is not sacrifice. Sacrifice would be ignoring You, living for myself. Father, may I honor You in obedience, love You in worship, and bring You glory through my daily life. You are above all. May my life reflect this truth. Great are You, oh God. I am unworthy of You."

"...for such a time as this"

I was reading Esther this morning. I know her story well. I know of her great obedience—of how she risked her life for her people. But there was something this morning that caught my eye, something that I had overlooked many times before. In the fourth chapter we find Mordecai, having learned of Haman’s plan to destroy the Jews, asking Esther for her help. Esther responds, explaining that the cost of entering the inner court of the kingdom without the king’s summons is death. Only if the king holds out his golden scepter will you find favor with him. It is Mordecai’s response in verses 13-14 that caught my attention: “Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, ‘Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?’” To me this was a great reminder that God is not dependent on our obedience. If we choose to be silent, He will find another way and if we choose to be silent we may not physically perish but we will suffer a great loss in the intimacy of knowing our Lord. Because of Esther’s obedience the Lord was glorified. Praise God. I think this relates to so many areas of my life right now--as I think about ministry and His perfect plan. He has placed His cup before me and said “come and drink”. I can be obedient and He will be glorified or I can be disobedient and He will find one who is willing. May I never be one to refuse the cup of the Lord. May I make His name famous and may He be glorified through me.

"Most High God, I come before you humbled, honored and in awe. Great are you, Oh Lord. Father, may I never refuse your cup. May I be obedient to your plans and your will. God, never do I wish to come before you too afraid to be obedient. Father walk alongside me. Show me your way."

Spilling Over

I liken my spiritual life to a cup. Up until this point in my spiritual journey the Father has been filling my cup--with knowledge, with love, with blessings. In each encounter with Him, He has poured more into me, bringing me closer to spilling over. In this past year I have sensed my cup reaching its capacity. This past Spring I attended a ladies retreat that completely smacked me over the head with God’s truth and His love for ALL people. He reminded me of a commitment that I made several years ago to follow Him with my entire being. Since that retreat this Spring my God has not let up. It seems everything I have heard or experienced in the past six months has been very specifically directed towards me. The message: It is time. Sit no more. Do. Go. Share.

This weekend I was reading a passage in Psalms and as I read it, it was as if God's power, majesty, love and authority were flying off of the page. I have read this passage many times before but as I was reading I couldn't help but think about this God--the God who parted the Red Sea, who flooded the earth, who brought fire from the sky, the same God who created the heavens and the earth--this God knows and loves me. So often I try to put Him in a box in my head, or to imagine the biggest, greatest thing that I can--but even still He is much greater. I am blown away that I have a personal relationship with the God who always was, always is and always will be. I mean, WHAT?! Seriously? That God knows and loves me? That God desires to use me to bring glory back to Himself? What? Me? I am so unworthy of such an amazing calling. I am nothing--we are nothing in His midst. I am truly humbled to call Him "Abba" when His glory and His majesty are so great that not even this world can contain them. How can I ever put anything before Him when I think of Him in this way? It's simple, I cannot. He is my everlasting. I am truly amazed.

Coming back to this cup of mine: up until this point my cup has been filling—today, however, my cup overflows. It is spilling over and I know it is time.

"Most High God, please break me that I might finally rid myself of all that is not pleasing to You. God, may I seek you desperately. May I realize that Your glory and Your majesty is so great that not even this world can contain it. And yet, Oh Lord, you love me. You are passionate about me. Oh God, I am blown away by You. I am broken before You. Father, how unworthy am I to serve You. Father, I pray that You would not be a God of convenience or good feelings. Instead Father, I pray that Your majesty would overwhelm me in such a way that I cannot be silent. Oh God, let it be"

Falling Deeper in Love.

I find myself in a place in my life that is challenging and trying at times but even being in the midst of it I know that I would not trade this season of my life for all the security in the world. The last fifteen months of searching for a job, having a couple temporary jobs, living on my own and having to depend on others for a place to sleep has been an adventure to say the least. There is not one decision that I regret, not one step of faith that I wish I could erase. I am content in knowing that I have sought God in most every decision I have made and have learned the cost of anxiety in those I haven’t. Yes, there are days when I do not think I can make it without having some sense of direction; and yes, there are times when all that is within me longs for mercy—for some sense of relief. However, when I think back on the last several months I am humbled to say that they have not been in vain. I pray my Father in heaven be glorified in who He is creating me to be. I am unable to sit in silence and allow my life waste away any longer. My God fashioned me to love and serve Him. God’s purpose in my life was not to make me great but to make Himself great within me. It is my hope that as He continues to refine me and mold me that His place in my life would be apparent.

“Most High God, I come before You humbled and broken. You have opened my eyes to Your desire to bring glory back to Yourself. May Your name be known. May Your name become famous that every nation and every tribe and every tongue know of Your great love. Holy, holy are You, Oh God. I am unworthy, yet You love me. I am nothing yet You rejoice over me with singing. May Your refining fire never leave me. Teach me Your ways, Oh God. May my life and breath bring You glory.”

Brokeness, is what I long for?

Do you remember that chorus "Holiness, holiness is what I long for, holiness is what I need. So take my life and form it, take my mind, transform it. Take my will conform it. To yours, to yours Oh Lord." There was also a verse about faithfulness, but the verse that has stuck with me in recent days is the cry for brokeness. "Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for." Who truly cries to be broken? Being broken is painful and messy. It is like asking for your life to be turned upside-down. Have you ever had your life turned upside-down? It's not necessarily fun.

I have found myself praying for this very thing. Brokeness. I know it will be painful. I know it will stretch me and at times leave me empty but I also know that if I don't become broken of my ideals and agenda then I will never become the woman God intended.

Selfishly, I want nothing to do with brokeness. I do not want to be vulnerable. More desperately, however I want, no I need, to be broken so that I can become a vessel for Christ.

"Father, break me. Break my stony heart. Desolve the coldness in my heart and give me a passion for your people. Teach me to love like you love. May I fall hard after You, oh my God."

"A Time to Plant and a Time to Uproot"

It is true that we are in a constant state of change--that the only constant, unwavering being is God Himself. It should be of no surprise to us when a new change takes place. We should be fluid human beings, ones that are ready to make a change at a moments notice.

It is a great idea anyway, but luckily God did not create us in the robotic fashion that I spoke of above. No, He implanted emotion and desires. He gave us longing and memories. He created us to develop connections with our surroundings. Whether there is change happening all around us or change happening within, it comes with the challenge of leaving what you were and taking a leap of faith towards what is ahead. Whether it is good or bad or a little of both, change takes some obvious getting used to.

All this to say that this past year has been filled with seasons of change. Even today I find myself making yet another big transition in my life. I was recently offered a summer job at Falls Creek Youth Camp, a job I have done three summers before. Though I never expected to work there again I am looking forward to all God has for me.

This means a few different things. It means that in the next 2 and a half weeks I am packing up my apartment and putting my things in storage. It means that things are still up in the air for August and beyond, though most likely I would not be moving back to Chelsea. But most importantly it means that I am giving over my comfort and security to God and trusting that He will put me where I need to be to be most effective in service to Him.

This transition is not the easiest. I have loved being in Chelsea and being a part of the church family here but I know that just because my physical address might change it doesn't mean that I won't have a "family" here that loves me. It has been a blessing to be a part of this town but I am looking forward to serving Him this summer at camp.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1