Trust in Me Child

I remember it being an especially difficult day.  We were well into our second week in Africa and I was feeling heavy from the knowledge that much was happening in the hearts and lives of my friends back home. In addition, I was struggling with my own thoughts, questions of calling and fighting any idea of doing something that was out of my already broad, or so I thought, comfort zone.  Even with all of that, these were the only words that made the page of my well-traveled journal.

"Trust in me child

Trust in me child

Trust in me

When you're weak

Or in need child

Trust in me

When you fear

Or things aren't clear child

Trust in me

I will never leave or forsake you

I will be the calm in the storm

And when life's unsure

Trust in my Word

I will keep you safe in my arms

When you're broken

Your pain unspoken

Trust in me

When your anger

Seems to linger

Trust in me

I will never leave or forsake you

I will be the calm in the storm

And when life's unsure

Trust in my word

I will keep you safe in my arms"

In that moment, there was no doubt to me that the Father had heard the cries of my heart.  He was with me.  It was as if He had written this song, just for me--just for my heart.  A reminder that He is ever-faithful.

Today, in the midst of uncertainty, feeling heavy from the knowledge that the math just doesn't add up.  Not sure where next month's bill payments will come from--these familiar words came to mind.  "Trust in me child, trust in me child, trust in me." They were a soothing whisper into my tired soul today.

Okay Father, I hear you. I trust you. Here I am. Take all of me.

You Meet Us in Our Mourning

As I was contemplating what to write--longing to write something of worth, these lyrics began to softly penetrate the silence of my small living room.

There is strength within the sorrow, There is beauty in our tears

You meet us in our mourning, With a love that casts out fear

You are working in our waiting, Sanctifying us

When beyond our understanding, You're teaching us to trust

Your plans are still to prosper, You have not forgotten us

You're with us in the fire and the flood

Faithful forever, Perfect in love

You are sovereign over us

You are wisdom unimagined, Who could understand your ways

Reigning high above the heavens, Reaching down in endless grace

Youʼre the Lifter of the lowly, Compassionate and kind

You surround and You uphold me, Your promises are my delight

Even what the enemy means for evil

You turn it for our good, You turn it for our good and for your glory

His faithfulness is astounding.  His love--immeasurable.  On a day where discouragement is plentiful and uncertainty lurks close by--He remains, unmoving.  

Oh God, hold me near.  Might I rest in your presence.  Oh that I might dwell in You.  Might I drink deeply of your abiding love.  Oh that my life would glorify You and bring You praise.  In life, in death, in joy, in sorrow--might I find my life hidden deeply in You.

The Dwelling Place

When I was in third grade, maybe, I remember my mom having my brother and I memorize different scriptures as part of our home schooling.  To this day I am still able to recite Psalm 91.  "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my shield and rampart, my God in whom I trust.  Surely He will save me from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.  He will cover me with His feathers and under His wings I will find refuge...."  Hmm, what an incredible proclamation of God's faithfulness.

For some reason today after months--years even, of not thinking about it, Psalm 91:1 was lingering in my mind.  "He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High, will rest in the shadow of the Almighty." What an incredible picture--one that I had never stopped to think of before as the words always seem to mindlessly fall from my lips.

What does it mean to dwell? Webster's dictionary says that to dwell is to live as a permanent resident.  To exist.  To fasten ones attention toward something or someone.  I began thinking today, on what it is that I dwell.  Is it the Lord?  I sure hope so, but unfortunately, more often than not I'm afraid that my mind is dwelling elsewhere--relationships, provision, the "what's nexts" in life.

I love not only the thought of dwelling in the Most High but that as a result one will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Again, what a beautiful picture.  This though, made me think about the cause and effect of where we direct our attention.  If I dwell in relationships, I will then rest (or rather worry) in the shadow of those relationships.  If I dwell in the provision (or lack of there of) in my life, I will then rest (or find my worth) in the shadow of my provision--and so forth.

Dear friend, where are you dwelling? In what shadow are you resting or not resting? Is it the Most High--the Lord? Or is it something that will leave you feeling empty, disappointed and alone?

I am thankful that tonight as I was driving away from a sweet time with a friend the Lord reminded me that my dwelling place is only in Him.

The Lord is my shelter.  May I dwell in Him.

In His Arms

I fear that I will never be able to adequately convey what has taken place in the last few weeks of my life.  It is true that we are ever-changing--evolving as we learn, grow, fall and get back up.  This state of change seems more pronounced in my life than perhaps ever before.  As I survey my life, so much seems uncertain, unsteady.  As my thoughts linger on the unknown, I stumble on the uneven foundation beneath my tired feet.  I fear that I cannot take another step without falling, landing on my hands and knees.  It is here that I rest, unable to stand on my own two feet--unable to walk.  Then suddenly I am captivated, not by my failure, but by the indescribable beauty of the one who is bending down to pick me up.  My Father--my gentle, loving Father.  With concern in His eyes and a familiar quiet-passion in His expression, He picks me up.  Gently He surveys my hurts, taking note of each one with care.  Then He looks me in the eye--tears in His.  He smiles a tender smile as He pulls me close to His chest. His steady breathing calms my spirit and quickly I find my weight resting on Him. Then as a father would rock his hurting child, my Father begins to sway with me in His arms.  This, dear friend, is indescribable peace--one that can never be experienced outside of faith in the Father.

Without God I am--nothing, sinful, broken, prideful, ugly, selfish, lazy, flawed, self-absorbed, bitter, jealous, hateful.  My God is everything, without sin, complete, humble, beautiful, selfless, disciplined, perfect, passionate about His children, forgiving, loving, kind.  Praise God that as I come to Him, the sacrifice of Jesus covers me.  All of the dark, unsightly stains are covered.  All of the fear, failure, inability, impure thoughts--covered.  Not only does He cover my past and my present but He has also covered my future mistakes.  Praise be to Him!


It is true that in my humanity I will always fail.  Praise God that I have forgiveness in Him.  I may not know what tomorrow will bring.  Praise God that He has gone before me.


...And just as a hurt little child trusts the familiar, comforting arms of their father--I trust You, Oh God.

The Simple Things

There is something about sitting in your quiet office, the day for before a long weekend--Miles Davis playing softly in the background, a hot cup of English Breakfast Blend warming your throat as cooler weather has returned, your favorite flannel shirt, sleeves rolled just enough to keep from hiding your hands.  The perfect opportunity to contemplate life--it's meaning.

Today, I am thankful for The Lord and His favor--and for Miles Davis and flannel shirts.  It's the big things.  It's the simple things.

Willing myself to contentment?

“Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.” - Sarah Ban Breathnach

There is great danger in trusting in your own resolve.  This is true regardless of what you have resolved to do.  Be it making wise choices, resisting temptation or even having contentment, if you are leaning on your own determination at some point you will come up short.  This is something that I was reminded of today.  After having had a conversation with a dear friend last night about the Lord being our satisfaction, I found myself today lacking contentment.  I was saddened not by what I had but what I lacked.  As a sweet friend sat with me and listened to me ramble about my lack of contentment she gently reminded me of words that had come from my own lips just four months prior.  As I remember them, “The Lord must be your family, your Father, your portion.”  Remembering that in Him, I lack nothing.  

It is sobering to realize that even as I seek the Lord, I find myself, more often than not seeking Him out of my own resolve.  This “I can do this” attitude can be quite dangerous  as I find myself trusting in my own abilities to accomplish something instead of giving my all to Him.  When will I learn?

I love the Lord’s creative ways of getting my attention.  This morning before I was even aware of this frustration, I picked up Jen Hatmaker’s newest book “Seven” and read the words to a familiar song.

I believe You’re my healer.

I believe You are all I need.

I believe You’re my portion.

I believe You’re more than enough for me.

Jesus You’re all I need.

As my eyes took in each word with care, my spirit seemed to groan in agreement “YES!  You, Oh Lord, are all I need.” --And yet, somehow, in the span of seven hours this truth seemed to slip my mind.  It’s moments like this that I am grateful for the Lord’s mercy.  I was humbled also, only moments after expressing my discontent, with a sermon on stewardship.  Yes, the pastor’s intent was the importance of being good stewards of our time and money but one thing he said stuck with me.  “If you are not content with what you have, you will not be content with what you want.”  How true.  How often have I longed for something only to receive it and it not fill the void I was hoping it would?  Our ONLY satisfaction is in Christ.

Hear me say this, it is okay to struggle.  In our struggle the Lord can teach us a multitude of things.  Today I realized how often I trust in my own ability rather than giving myself to Him.  I am reminded, He is faithful.

“Father, forgive me for offering you my trinkets--for leaving my best intentions, abilities or gifts at your feet as if to say, ‘look, this is what I can do for you.’  You Lord, deserve things much greater than my poor attempt at coming to you in my own will.  Father, may I come to you poor in spirit, with an empty cup, ready to be filled with you.  You Father, are my portion.  Here I am, here’s my life.  Have all of me.”

The Trauma Room

When I was a child one of my favorite pass-times was to play doctor.  I had a black Fisher Price medical bag complete with the working stethoscope and I thought I was set to fix the world.  Here I was six years old, innocent, with a colorful imagination--nothing could stop me. It is fun to think back to wonderful, lighthearted memories and smile at my naivety.  Imagine though, what if, having no other experience, I was thrown into a crowded ER with sick and dying people--my only instructions ‘Heal as many as you can’.  It wouldn’t take long before I would fail miserably, lacking knowledge, equipment and maturity to handle each case.  I would fail, not because my intentions were wrong but because I was not equipped to handle the situation.

Like playing doctor in a trauma unit, I think we sometimes approach life’s spiritual trauma unit in the same way.  Overflowing with lost and dying souls we walk in with our Fisher Price bags and think a couple bandaids will heal those dying of cancer. What an absurd idea!  Everyone knows that slapping on a bandaid won’t heal cancer.  Then why is it that we assume we can just get by when it comes to reaching the lost?  

Imagine also if you went to the doctor and while you were in the exam room you noticed his diploma on the wall.  As he began the exam you mentioned it to him and he admitted  that he barely graduated and only did the bare minimum to get by.  Who would you prefer examine you--the doctor who just got by or a doctor who worked tirelessly in order to make the most of his educational opportunities?

It is time to wake up.  This is real life.  We can no longer approach the lost and dying with an unequipped, barely-skating by attitude.  Just like a doctor would not walk into an operating room with a Fisher Price kit, we cannot be casual in reaching the lost.  We must be intentional and “always prepared to give an answer to anyone who asks for a reason for the hope that we have.”  So put away the doctor kit, that is for children.  Take pride in the knowledge of Him.  Most importantly honor God in how you approach Him, His kingdom and this world.  

“Father, may we lay our childish games of pretend aside and become aware of the urgency of so many lost and dying in separation from you.  May we no longer casually live our lives but may we put you and your will first.  Father, let it be.”

I Choose You.

Why is it that we recognize the necessity to keep up maintenance of our physical bodies but often neglect the maintenance of our spiritual bodies?  Last week I was talking with a friend in my office about the Lord and during our conversation she had an "ah ha" moment in which it clicked.  Just like we must shower, clip our nails, eat, drink, etc. we must also be intentional in maintaining and enhancing our spiritual lives.  It was fun to watch her as this concept sunk in.  So often we live in a way that causes us to think that there is little need for constant spiritual growth and reflection.  However, just like my lungs need oxygen and my body needs rest, my soul needs the Lord. 

Over the summer I was reflecting upon this and something clicked in my heart and mind. I realized that in order to quit being a permanent patron of life's spiritual roller coaster I had to make a conscious effort to choose God each and every day.  So often I have approached my relationship with the Father casually.  I would spend time finding what I "needed" and leave everything else behind.  My vending machine Jesus approach often left me feeling unfulfilled, alone and anxious.  It wasn't until I really grabbed ahold of the idea that I have the power to choose Christ each day that I really understood the depths of the Father.

Over the last several months I have found myself falling desperately in love with the Lord.  I cannot seem to get enough of Him, His Word and His calling in my life!  I am constantly in awe of His faithfulness, sovereignty and provision.  Yes, He has asked me to do some scary things in faith but every time I obey I am blown away by how He honors my obedience.

If there is anything to learn through all of this, know that your relationship with Christ is not casual.  You cannot approach the Kingdom with a bag of quarters and expect to be fulfilled by picking and choosing all your vending machine desires.  Be bold. Choose Christ.  Satan has NO POWER to sway you from the Father unless you let him.  The Lord is unchanging, He is waiting for you to come to Him and to give all yourself to Him.  I try to begin each day by consciously choosing the Lord.  Sometimes I audibly say "God I choose you today, I choose to be obedient to you, your calling and your plan.  Give me opportunities to glorify you." and other days I simply think of how my life is glorifying Him best.  Whatever you decide friend, I can tell you this, you will never regret choosing the Lord first.  Your obedience to Him will not return void.

"Most High God, may I honor you with my life.  Be glorified.  Let these words bring you praise, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer."

The Family of God

Tonight a friend and I were putting stamps on my ministry support letters and praying for each family who will receive one in the mail.  As we slowly sifted through each one I began telling her about each person and how they had impacted my life.  I spoke of missionaries who had served for 30+ years and teachers who taught me in and out of the classroom.  I spoke of precious, godly couples who live out their faith with boldness.  I told her of friends who picked me up and encouraged me in times of need and wonderful people who bless my family with their friendship.  I told her about volunteers who came to work with our family multiple times when we lived overseas and a sweet lady who would make cookies just for me and my brother. 

The stories went on and on.  One by one she heard of wonderful people who the Lord had used in my life.  As she graciously sat and listened, I was completely humbled by the Lord's many blessings.  With each name came a different memory, a smile or laugh--even tears of gratefulness.

What an incredible experience!  I praise God for all His many blessings, for the Family of God and for each individual person who has impacted me in some way.  I love how He created us to live in community to bless and be blessed.  As my friend was reading each name and noticing each address she said to me "Wow, these people live all over the world." and again, it reminded me of how great is our God!  

"Most High God, thank you for my brothers and sisters in Christ.  May you be blessed through how we live in community and serve one another out of your love!"


While I was driving home tonight this song came to mind:

I'm so glad I'm a part of the Family of God,
I've been washed in the fountain, cleansed by His blood!
Joint heirs with Jesus as we travel this sod,
For I'm part of the family,
The Family of God.

You will notice we say "brother and sister" 'round here,
It's because we're a family and these are so near;
When one has a heartache, we all share the tears,
And rejoice in each victory in this family so dear.

From the door of an orphanage to the house of the King,
No longer an outcast, a new song I sing;
From rags unto riches, from the weak to the strong,
I'm not worthy to be here, but praise God I belong!

Hiding His Word

I have always admired my friends who can quote just the right verse of scripture at the perfect moment.  You know the ones, or maybe you are even one of those people.  Scripture memory has been something on my mind a great deal this semester, especially since a new and dear friend of mine makes this a high priority in her life.  I was amazed when I asked her the other day to quote the book of James.  Without hesitation, she began with James 1:1 until she was interrupted somewhere near the middle of the second chapter.  I'm sure I looked ridiculous with my mouth hanging open in utter amazement.  Scripture memory has never been my strong-suit.  There is no excuse really, other than, I'm lazy.

Over the last month or so, I have been throwing around the idea of picking up this discipline, but some how I have managed to make some sort of excuse as why now is not a good time  (funny how that happens).  Until recently, that is.  The other day I was having lunch with one of the girls I disciple and she mentioned that she wanted to start memorizing scripture.  She asked me to join her, and though I was reluctant (I do not like agreeing to things that I think I could fail at, because, well, who likes to fail?), I agreed.  We settled on Ephesians 1:15-17.  Three verses, one week, in any version of our choosing.  I am glad I did! 

In the process I discovered that I actually LOVE hiding His Word in my heart!  And I love how these verses have come up in my conversations many times in the last week (who would have thought? Ha)!  It is such a blessing to not only read the Word but to know the Word.  Praise God for friends who challenge and encourage you to grow in your walk with Christ!

Here is a wonderful bit of scripture that I have been hiding away in my heart this week:

Daniel 26b-27 "....for he is the living God, enduring forever.  His kingdom shall never be destroyed and his dominion shall be to the end.  He delivers and rescues.  He works signs and wonders in heaven and on the earth; he who has saved Daniel from the power of the lions." (ESV)

    

Praise be to You!

Nothing of me.  No breath, action, thought.  No word or even the most righteous of acts.  Nothing will ever be good enough.  I am lowly.  Broken.  Unable.  I am nothing.

Praise be to God!  Hallelujah, glory, majesty!  Praise be to the Most High!  You are my breath, my actions, my thoughts, my words.  You rescue me from the pit.  You are Healer, you are Able!  You are Everything!

I choose You.  This day, each day, I choose You.  May I honor you in All things.  May I live with intent.  May You be glorified and lifted high.  I give my life to You, knowing You will make it count for Your glory and Your kingdom.  Praise be to You, great Creator.  Praise be to you, the one who fashioned the moon and the stars, who created all creatures of the land and sea.  You are holy, worthy and glory!  May I live my life with eternal intent.  May I be a vessel to bring You praise. 

I am nothing--You are all things!  Praise be to You!

I Would Rather....

I just picked up a copy of David Platt's new book Radical Together.  A story that Platt shared in his book hit hard as I was reading.  He spoke of a city in a Muslim nation in which lies a tribe of nearly one hundred percent evangelical believers.  Unfortunately they have turned themselves inward and are not sharing the gospel with neighboring tribes.  Truth be told, that if they were to share their faith they could be imprisoned, or worse, put to death.  One of the things this tribes enjoys is the freedom to eat pork.  All the devout Muslims in surrounding tribes see this as unclean and are turned off by those who partake in it.  One Christian tribe member said in response to the proposition of giving up pork for the sake of the Gospel, "I would rather see a Muslim go to hell than give up pork."  Now while my first reaction was to shake my head in disapproval I was quickly reminded of my own "I would rathers...."

I would rather sit in my comfortable chair in my comfortable house watching my comfortable TV than step outside and share HIS love with the lost all around me.

I would rather spend $3.96 on flavored coffee at my local coffee house than give it to the impoverished.

I would rather keep me eyes looking straight in front of me at the stoplight than roll down my window and offer a little hope to the broken.

I would rather pat someone on the back for answering the call to take care of the orphans and the widows than to open my own home and do it myself.

I would rather keep my relationships at work less awkward than to ask someone to come to church with me.

I would rather give nervous laughter than to speak up when a friend is talking about what they did the night before.

Woe to me.

"Most High God, may my 'I would rathers' become 'I will nots'.  May your will shine through my dense selfish desires.  God, let it be."

In the end.

May the calluses on my hands, my feet,
May the holes in my worn out shoes,
May the lamp light on, late at night,
Show of my devotion to you.

May the bare cupboard of my home,
May the worship that is due,
May my empty wallet all declare,
My passionate love for you.

When this life is almost over,
When my bones are brittle and bruised,
May my weak voice finally sing out,
Father I'm coming home to you.

Unworthy Wretch

I think about this time every year, I look back and think the same thing--"Wow, it's hard to believe that the year is almost over." This year is no different. The past few weeks have caused me to reflect on the happenings of my year, question the purpose behind some of my life circumstances, but always come to the same conclusion--the Lord is so good.

I am sure that I have realized this before but, recently I realized that I can do nothing on my own that is of any significance. It is so easy, when things are going well, to think that the Lord is blessing me because of something that I have accomplished. As if, I could turn the head of our creator, leaving Him thinking "Wow, look at how awesome Dayla is today. I think I am going to bless her since she was extra awesome." No, no goodness in my life comes from my own doing. The Lord doesn't "owe" me anything because I am good or kind or I was thoughtful enough to walk the proverbial old lady across the street. I don't know why He chooses to bless me but it is not because of anything I have done. No, the Lord chooses to give and to take away out of HIS own freewill. That is so good for me to remember (and often). It comes natural to pat myself on the back and think that any blessing coming from the Lord is because I was extra obedient, but truth be told the true blessing is that I don't deserve an ounce of His LOVE yet He gives it to me anyway. Wow, that blows me away. Unworthy yet still shown mercy.

I have been reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan in a small group at my church. We recently finished a chapter on loving others as Christ. The chapter itself led to a discussion of seeing the homeless and marginalized as equals and our charge to serve and love them. One individual in our class made the comment that he had a hard time feeling compassion for the homeless because they were to blame for their circumstance. It would be easy for me to point my finger at that guy and judge him as a heartless, self-centered individual, but to do that I would have to turn my judging finger and point it back at myself. How many times have I looked on someone without compassion, thinking it's their own fault they are in this position? The truth is, NONE of us are worthy of ANYTHING we have--not our status, not our possessions, not the love others show us, and especially not God's love. Yet we are called, just as Christ loved us (the undeserving), we too should love others. Who am I to ever judge whether someone is "worthy" of my time, love, or monetary gift? The Lord said go, give. It's that simple. Why do I make it so complicated with when, who and how much?

Isaiah 61:1 "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound."

"Father, may my life reflect You."

Nothing else matters...

I am weak, imperfect and afraid. It may appear on the outside that I am a strong, independent, can roll with the punches sort of girl, but if I am being honest I know that I can do none of these. It is only through Christ that I am strong. My independence is rooted in His unfailing love and it is only by His refining fires that I am able to see trial as good.

I ran across a quote from John Piper not long ago that stopped me in my happy-go-lucky tracks:

"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

This quote instantly exposed the shallowness of my one-sided faith in God. I am ashamed to say that too easily the answer to that question would more often than not be "yes". Is that the extent of my love for the Lord? When I face trials I go running to the Lord but when things are good I almost always fall away, thinking I can handle it on my own. How proud of me to think I can handle anything on my own. I cannot.

Last year the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller became sort of an anthem for my life, saying that as I wait I will continue to praise the Lord. There was nothing wrong with this idea until I began to assume that the Lord would indeed deliver me out of my situation. Now, however, I find myself asking the question "what if"--what if He chooses not to deliver me from this place in life?, what if this is exactly what God has purposed for my life? Am I willing to live it to the fullest and quit looking for the next "out", thinking that surely He has something much more grandiose for my incredible life? Woe to me.

"Father, you are good to me and so often in your blessings I lose sight of you. Your blessings feel good and bring me great joy, but without you they are nothing. I desire to live for you alone but I constantly get distracted by the good things in my life that I run after more good feelings and leave you by the wayside. Forgive me oh Lord. Without you I am nothing. I know now that no good feeling will ever fill up the void in my heart. Forgive me for trying to stuff people and things and places into a God-sized hole. Let my feet run after you and my eyes see none but you. Lord, let it be."

More than a To-Do List...

I have experienced an incredible journey thus far in my life. I am honored and blessed to know the Lord as I do. I am humbled to be called His. So often I find myself wrapped up in the task of doing and learning that I forget to stop and spend time with Him. I can easily spend hours in my day reading about Him, how to live for Him and even busy myself praying to Him with an agenda in mind. Though these are well and good they are inferior compared to resting in Him.

"Most High God, You are more than a book, more than a Bible Study, more than a daily task to check off. You are more than a good feeling, more than a half-hearted commitment to follow. Father, You are my portion. You must be. Without You, I am without life and breath--my days meaningless. Father, may You be my first thought and my last. May You be more than a thing to accomplish in my day but may I allow You to walk alongside me in every decision, every thought and every action. May You not be stuffed in a corner or put on a shelf. God You are my all. Let that be true. May nothing come above You. Nothing. All else is meaningless compared to my love-relationship with You. May my passion for You far exceed my passion for life. Knowing You, serving You--that is not sacrifice. Sacrifice would be ignoring You, living for myself. Father, may I honor You in obedience, love You in worship, and bring You glory through my daily life. You are above all. May my life reflect this truth. Great are You, oh God. I am unworthy of You."

"...for such a time as this"

I was reading Esther this morning. I know her story well. I know of her great obedience—of how she risked her life for her people. But there was something this morning that caught my eye, something that I had overlooked many times before. In the fourth chapter we find Mordecai, having learned of Haman’s plan to destroy the Jews, asking Esther for her help. Esther responds, explaining that the cost of entering the inner court of the kingdom without the king’s summons is death. Only if the king holds out his golden scepter will you find favor with him. It is Mordecai’s response in verses 13-14 that caught my attention: “Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, ‘Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?’” To me this was a great reminder that God is not dependent on our obedience. If we choose to be silent, He will find another way and if we choose to be silent we may not physically perish but we will suffer a great loss in the intimacy of knowing our Lord. Because of Esther’s obedience the Lord was glorified. Praise God. I think this relates to so many areas of my life right now--as I think about ministry and His perfect plan. He has placed His cup before me and said “come and drink”. I can be obedient and He will be glorified or I can be disobedient and He will find one who is willing. May I never be one to refuse the cup of the Lord. May I make His name famous and may He be glorified through me.

"Most High God, I come before you humbled, honored and in awe. Great are you, Oh Lord. Father, may I never refuse your cup. May I be obedient to your plans and your will. God, never do I wish to come before you too afraid to be obedient. Father walk alongside me. Show me your way."

Spilling Over

I liken my spiritual life to a cup. Up until this point in my spiritual journey the Father has been filling my cup--with knowledge, with love, with blessings. In each encounter with Him, He has poured more into me, bringing me closer to spilling over. In this past year I have sensed my cup reaching its capacity. This past Spring I attended a ladies retreat that completely smacked me over the head with God’s truth and His love for ALL people. He reminded me of a commitment that I made several years ago to follow Him with my entire being. Since that retreat this Spring my God has not let up. It seems everything I have heard or experienced in the past six months has been very specifically directed towards me. The message: It is time. Sit no more. Do. Go. Share.

This weekend I was reading a passage in Psalms and as I read it, it was as if God's power, majesty, love and authority were flying off of the page. I have read this passage many times before but as I was reading I couldn't help but think about this God--the God who parted the Red Sea, who flooded the earth, who brought fire from the sky, the same God who created the heavens and the earth--this God knows and loves me. So often I try to put Him in a box in my head, or to imagine the biggest, greatest thing that I can--but even still He is much greater. I am blown away that I have a personal relationship with the God who always was, always is and always will be. I mean, WHAT?! Seriously? That God knows and loves me? That God desires to use me to bring glory back to Himself? What? Me? I am so unworthy of such an amazing calling. I am nothing--we are nothing in His midst. I am truly humbled to call Him "Abba" when His glory and His majesty are so great that not even this world can contain them. How can I ever put anything before Him when I think of Him in this way? It's simple, I cannot. He is my everlasting. I am truly amazed.

Coming back to this cup of mine: up until this point my cup has been filling—today, however, my cup overflows. It is spilling over and I know it is time.

"Most High God, please break me that I might finally rid myself of all that is not pleasing to You. God, may I seek you desperately. May I realize that Your glory and Your majesty is so great that not even this world can contain it. And yet, Oh Lord, you love me. You are passionate about me. Oh God, I am blown away by You. I am broken before You. Father, how unworthy am I to serve You. Father, I pray that You would not be a God of convenience or good feelings. Instead Father, I pray that Your majesty would overwhelm me in such a way that I cannot be silent. Oh God, let it be"

Falling Deeper in Love.

I find myself in a place in my life that is challenging and trying at times but even being in the midst of it I know that I would not trade this season of my life for all the security in the world. The last fifteen months of searching for a job, having a couple temporary jobs, living on my own and having to depend on others for a place to sleep has been an adventure to say the least. There is not one decision that I regret, not one step of faith that I wish I could erase. I am content in knowing that I have sought God in most every decision I have made and have learned the cost of anxiety in those I haven’t. Yes, there are days when I do not think I can make it without having some sense of direction; and yes, there are times when all that is within me longs for mercy—for some sense of relief. However, when I think back on the last several months I am humbled to say that they have not been in vain. I pray my Father in heaven be glorified in who He is creating me to be. I am unable to sit in silence and allow my life waste away any longer. My God fashioned me to love and serve Him. God’s purpose in my life was not to make me great but to make Himself great within me. It is my hope that as He continues to refine me and mold me that His place in my life would be apparent.

“Most High God, I come before You humbled and broken. You have opened my eyes to Your desire to bring glory back to Yourself. May Your name be known. May Your name become famous that every nation and every tribe and every tongue know of Your great love. Holy, holy are You, Oh God. I am unworthy, yet You love me. I am nothing yet You rejoice over me with singing. May Your refining fire never leave me. Teach me Your ways, Oh God. May my life and breath bring You glory.”

Brokeness, is what I long for?

Do you remember that chorus "Holiness, holiness is what I long for, holiness is what I need. So take my life and form it, take my mind, transform it. Take my will conform it. To yours, to yours Oh Lord." There was also a verse about faithfulness, but the verse that has stuck with me in recent days is the cry for brokeness. "Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for." Who truly cries to be broken? Being broken is painful and messy. It is like asking for your life to be turned upside-down. Have you ever had your life turned upside-down? It's not necessarily fun.

I have found myself praying for this very thing. Brokeness. I know it will be painful. I know it will stretch me and at times leave me empty but I also know that if I don't become broken of my ideals and agenda then I will never become the woman God intended.

Selfishly, I want nothing to do with brokeness. I do not want to be vulnerable. More desperately, however I want, no I need, to be broken so that I can become a vessel for Christ.

"Father, break me. Break my stony heart. Desolve the coldness in my heart and give me a passion for your people. Teach me to love like you love. May I fall hard after You, oh my God."