“The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them” - Stephen King

I long to be understood. Who doesn't? I work hard to express myself, to share my feelings, to contribute to my surroundings. I want good, simple, concise, understood communication between myself and the other parties involved. Sometimes it's a challenge to reach that goal. I get nervous, feel intimidated--the things I had planned out to say long before the conversation even started seem to slip from my mind. I find myself stumbling over my words. It's frustrating and discouraging when I find myself miscommunicating, especially with the people who I want to understand me the most. I find myself feeling so limited by the words coming out of my mouth. Words seem to take away from the emotion welling up inside.

"One's actions ought to come out of an achieved stillness: not to be rushing on." - D.H. Lawrence

To be still. To silence the mind. To calm the body. To listen. What a concept, generally not common to the average person. It takes great effort to achieve stillness. An effort of letting go, of stopping, of waiting.

I want that. I want to let go, to have control but really more than anything to sit back, be slient and observe what is around me. He has given me so much. I am blessed beyond all measure and yet I generally wallow in my own misfortunes. When I think about it all though--when I remember that this world and more importantly my God is so much bigger than me and my issues, my problems--my desires seem so small and insignificant. If only I could keep that into perspective all the time.

“There are not many things in life so beautiful as true friendship, and not many things more uncommon.” -Author Unknown

I have been blessed with wonderful friendships. Let me begin by remembering this. I get to spend time with some of my closest friends on a regular basis and for that I am grateful. They are incredible people who have had a vast impact on my life. I miss them. Many of them I see several times a week if not everyday and yet I miss them. I feel like I haven't gotten what I need from my relationships. I can't remember the last time I had a deep conversation with someone I cared about. I need that. I can only have so many surface level conversations at a time. I need depth in my conversations and relationships. I feel like there is so much inside me that is wanting to come to the surface--there is so much I want to share. I don't think that I had completely realized that until now. Just thinking about it is causing tears to fall.

I miss meaningful conversations, sitting silent in the same room, knowing what is going on in their lives, but most importantly I miss knowing that someone else desires to know the same about me.