“You can hear the footsteps of God when silence reigns in the mind.” - Sri Sathya Sai Baba

For months I have been looking forward to this break. Basking on this idea of getting away from the busy life I live and focusing intently on the vastness of His love. Now I find myself here--sitting in the midst of hours of unscheduled time--with no particular thing pressing for my attention. And yet here I am, in my silence, having no certain idea of what I need.

The slowness of my days is discomforting. I find myself spending my hours alone doing anything to keep my mind from being still--hours reading stories of other peoples' make believe lives or watching a fictitious character play it out on the screen.

I'm not sure I had realized my cowardness until now--my small attempts to delay a much needed time with Him alone. All the things in this world mean so little compared to Him and yet here I am filling my life with them instead of the Father.

"In this time of rest teach me to give You all that is me. May I grow and mature in You and Your word. Teach me the disciplines You have set out for me. Show me Your face."

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”

I never seem to truly appreciate the beauty and value of something until it is damaged. This week I was quickly reminded of the beauty of nature. How beautiful are the trees that shade and give color to our campus. Watching and listening to them slowly, one by one fall and lose life it made me think about the human race. Life brings us storms...some make it through the weight and strain, others lose a part of themselves but still stand tall, and then there are those that can't take the weight and are destroyed--much like the trees around campus.

I was watching the news early this week and heard about a man and his friends who spent their day knocking the ice off of the "Survivor Tree" in downtown Oklahoma City. This particular tree survived the bombing in '95 and these people were determined not to let it die now. What a great picture. Sometimes in life we can't do things on our own. We require for someone to knock some of the weight from our branches in order to survive.

The campus looks quite sad. It seems as if a war has hit and the causalities have been left behind. It feels like the very essence of death--not only having fallen trees but also an empty campus. I look forward to Spring--to new life, for a time when the wounded survivors heal and bloom.

"Becoming human is a project, and our task is not so much to discover who we are as to create ourselves" - Soren Kierkegaard

Like most days, today is filled with questions, with thoughts, with concerns. I find myself wondering who I am. What makes up this person that I have become? If what Kierkegaard said is true then what type of person am I creating myself to be? Is who I am based on the people I spend time with? I would like to think that I am a little more stable in my identity than that but sometimes I'm not sure.

Like I have said in recent posts I find myself in a time of transition. There are times like now when I feel like I am mourning the loss of a dear friend. Which, I kind of am in a way. Not that anyone close to me has died but in all honesty I see myself growing away from people who at one point meant a great deal to me. I don't know if it is busy schedules, different outlooks on life, or different desires but something has drawn us apart. It's painful. The Lord has blessed me with other people in my life but even that hurts. Relationships are hard. They are something I have always struggled with.

I've never been good at having close friends. I don't know how to balance well. I have, for so long, been the lone leader in my situations. I don't think it helps that my job is designed for it. I desire peace in my life. For this pain to not matter as much. I desire good, healthy friendships.

Trust in Him.

"Father, I come to you realizing I haven't been looking to You in my time of need. I have looked outside of you for peace and satisfaction and though it has been good I have tried to replace that with what I need from you. Forgive me. Draw me close to you in my pain. Let me know it's okay to grieve. Hold me in Your arms."

"God will only mend a broken heart when He is given all the pieces" - Author Unknown

I have been thinking about that quite a bit lately. How we give a small piece of ourselves to the Lord--holding so much of ourselves back and expect Him to mend our hearts and our hurts. I am guilty of this very thing. I still find myself holding things back from the Father and when I do hand something over to Him I trick myself into thinking that I am being generous by giving Him this small thing. When in all reality I am cheating myself of something so much greater if I would just trust in Him and His timing completely.

Who am I? Who am I, to think that I should have control over all of the meaningless things in my life? Why do I refuse to hand it over? Has not the Lord repeatedly proven to me that He is willing and more than able to handle my worries, my hurts, my successes, and my passions?

I find myself unsure of so many things in life. I know that He is constant. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I know that He will still love me. I don't know if the friendships I am making now will last. He will lift me up. Why am I so willing to lean on the temporary things of life but not rely on this God who promises to walk with me all of my days?

I wish I knew the answers to these things.

“The heart is the best reflective thinker.” - Wendell Phillips

I am finding myself in a place of transition. Transition in relationships, in my walk with the Lord--Transition in my way of thinking and feeling. Yes, I do believe that this is partially from the closing of a semester. It's like that old childhood phrase in the game of hide-and-seek..."Whether you are ready or not, here it comes."

I would definitely have to agree that I have mixed feelings about this transitional period. I am honestly a little apprehensive about the change. I am not ready to give up my comfortable place in WMU 106 for six weeks. I enjoy my classes and want to learn more in them. I am finding great satisfaction and excitement in new relationships. The Lord is definitely showing me a great deal of things. I am comfortable and enjoying this piece of life.

With that being said, as I examine all these different aspects of my life I must admit that I am afraid. I don't like the unknown and uncomfortable. I enjoy people and believe it or not the noise of dorm life. I enjoy the presence of others. I think I am fearful simply because I know that the Lord will stretch me and change me and that will be painful, good, but painful all the same.

This "time off" will be good for me. He seems to always use this time in between semesters to remind me of His presence in my life and how only He can fill the void in my heart. This transition is strange but positive. I am thankful that He has allowed me to become thankful for the blessings He has bestowed upon me.

“Intellectual growth should commence at birth and cease only at death” - Albert Einstein

I have been in a contemplative state it seems for most of the past few months. I find myself nearly always in deep thought, with the crease in my brow to prove it. It seems like this semester has been so compact with mental and spiritual growth for me. This growth is self-focused. I see myself much more as an individual--independent of others' thoughts or judgments. I find myself analyzing so much, wondering what I believe about certain topics such as politics and certain religious practices. It seems as if I have hit a new phase of my growing process.

I don't know when exactly I began to crossing over from child to adult. Was it my thirteen birthday when I reached adolescence? Or maybe when I moved out of my parents house? Could it have been when I moved to college? Or became an upperclassmen? I'm not really sure if it was one of those particular instances that caused me to "cross over". More likely it was a combination of all of the above and more. I appreciate the fact that I can see my growth. I watch myself maturing everyday--growing into this woman who is greatly desiring to please the Lord with her life.

Not to be prideful, because I don't think that this is being that but I like the woman I am becoming.

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than write for the public and have no self." -Cyril Connolly

I have been feeling sorry for myself today. I have wanted to write some profound thing that in essence wraps up all of the emotions and thoughts that make up who I am at this moment in time, and then I thought to myself. "Why does it matter? No one will read it." and so for a very short moment I contemplated not writing. In the short time it took for one breath to escape my lips I had let my desire to be seen and heard over step my need to express who I am, whether or not someone else reads this.

For me, writing is so personal. It's truly an insight to something deep within myself. Sometimes only when I write can I tap into the emotions I am feeling in a way that will allow for outward expression. On many occasions when I want to share my thoughts or feelings the words just get jumbled up inside and I can never seem to find a way to say what I mean and feel. I will admit, it is a weakness.

I do not have to write for an audience. No one has to read my thoughts. Even if no one else ever read these words they would still be just as important.

“The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them” - Stephen King

I long to be understood. Who doesn't? I work hard to express myself, to share my feelings, to contribute to my surroundings. I want good, simple, concise, understood communication between myself and the other parties involved. Sometimes it's a challenge to reach that goal. I get nervous, feel intimidated--the things I had planned out to say long before the conversation even started seem to slip from my mind. I find myself stumbling over my words. It's frustrating and discouraging when I find myself miscommunicating, especially with the people who I want to understand me the most. I find myself feeling so limited by the words coming out of my mouth. Words seem to take away from the emotion welling up inside.

"One's actions ought to come out of an achieved stillness: not to be rushing on." - D.H. Lawrence

To be still. To silence the mind. To calm the body. To listen. What a concept, generally not common to the average person. It takes great effort to achieve stillness. An effort of letting go, of stopping, of waiting.

I want that. I want to let go, to have control but really more than anything to sit back, be slient and observe what is around me. He has given me so much. I am blessed beyond all measure and yet I generally wallow in my own misfortunes. When I think about it all though--when I remember that this world and more importantly my God is so much bigger than me and my issues, my problems--my desires seem so small and insignificant. If only I could keep that into perspective all the time.

“There are not many things in life so beautiful as true friendship, and not many things more uncommon.” -Author Unknown

I have been blessed with wonderful friendships. Let me begin by remembering this. I get to spend time with some of my closest friends on a regular basis and for that I am grateful. They are incredible people who have had a vast impact on my life. I miss them. Many of them I see several times a week if not everyday and yet I miss them. I feel like I haven't gotten what I need from my relationships. I can't remember the last time I had a deep conversation with someone I cared about. I need that. I can only have so many surface level conversations at a time. I need depth in my conversations and relationships. I feel like there is so much inside me that is wanting to come to the surface--there is so much I want to share. I don't think that I had completely realized that until now. Just thinking about it is causing tears to fall.

I miss meaningful conversations, sitting silent in the same room, knowing what is going on in their lives, but most importantly I miss knowing that someone else desires to know the same about me.

“Our minds are finite, and even in this condition we are surrounded by possibilities that are infinite--our purpose is to grasp as much as we can."

What is purpose? Webster's Dictionary defines Purpose as 'the reason which something exists or is done, made, used.' That seems simple enough. As I look around me everything seems to have some sort of purpose, from the scissors on my desk to my car sitting in the parking lot. Let me personalize this a little bit. I guess I am wondering what is my purpose? That can be as big as my purpose in life, or as little as my purpose for even writing this blog. There are days when I have no clue why I am here and others in which I am so passionate about my reason, my purpose for where I am right now.

Maybe it's easier to define who I am right now. Let's see--I am a college student. I am a daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, niece, friend, and role model. I am an RA. I am a Family Psychology major. I am a child of God. There are so many dynamics of what makes me into the person--the whole that I am. All of these things, bring great influence into who I want to be and why I am here.

So what is my purpose? I could say the Sunday school answer which is to follow Jesus, and though that is true there is, or should be, so much more to why I am here on this earth. I desire to serve. I am wired that way--to give back to others. I like to be there to not only hear people but to listen to them. I desire deep friendships. My purpose is to give of myself. I think I bring a dynamic of realness to the table as well. I try and work hard to be real with people. I won't sugar coat things, that's not how I was made. I despise it when someone tries to make things seem better than they really are. It's not that I'm pessimistic--I actually like to think of myself as an optimist, whether that is true or not I am not really sure but I'm going to tell you the truth.

There are so many times when I wonder why God placed me where I am right now. Sometimes His plan seems completely different than mine (which is definitely okay). I know I have a purpose for why I am 'here' and I have a glimpse of what that purpose is, but I will patiently wait to find out the rest as I live out my life. The Lord will reveal the right amount at the right time and I'm okay with that.

“Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.” - Oswald Chambers

This morning when I was reading the word, I kept thinking about Daniel. He had a great passion for the Lord and incredible faith. He was faced with death if He continued to worship his God but that didn't stop him. He prayed, knowing full well that the Lord would protect him. Even in the lion's den he had faith that he would be delivered.

Sometimes I wonder where my faith in the Lord has gone. I find myself often praying to the Father, saying 'I trust you, I have faith in Your plan.' but whenever my prayer ends I begin to doubt. In the hard times I doubt. I think faith goes hand in hand with patience. It's very difficult to have one without the other. When you are patient it is because you have faith that something will happen and when you are trusting and putting your faith in someone it requires great patience.

In my arrogance I once thought that I had it all together and had nothing left to learn from the Lord. What a dangerous place to be. Now I realize that I have so much I need to learn. I used to pray that I would find satisfaction in the Lord and when I think about that now I realize that is not at all what I want. I never want to be completely satisfied in the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for anything other than Him but I want to always be longing for more of Him. I fear that if I ever become completely satisfied in Him that I will quit searching for more. I am growing. My baby-like faith is maturing. I know that. But I want to be able to have the faith of men like Daniel. Who had faith in the Lord even when facing death.

"Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself than others, nor thinking badly of your gifts. It means freedom from thinking of yourself at all."

I used to think that humility was thinking less of myself. It was being critical of my successes, negating any compliments spoken towards me, talking about how I could do better. It's so funny though, everything I just said completely revolves around me--'my successes', 'compliments spoken towards me', and 'how I could do better'. I don't think that that is humility at all. Being humble is making it not about me.

Humility, in my life is to be a vessel crafted for practical use, invisible to those around me, something that doesn't attract others by my 'beauty' or unique design but because I was used to further the kingdom. I don't want anyone to necessarily see the creation (me) but rather the Creator with His signature written on my heart. That to me is how I should live in humility, not putting myself down, not singing my own praises but rather not speaking of myself or drawing attention to myself in any fashion. That is humility.

I really like these two short verses found in I Thessalonians 4:11-12 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." I think that's it in a nutshell, this is how life should be lived--in humility.

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” - Author Unknown

Lately I have worked hard to develop patience in every area of my life. It's not a task to take lightly. This is a task that requires great investment in oneself. It's a constant reminder to hold my tongue, to listen, to wait. There are many, many times when I look back on some situation and think: wow, if only I had had a little more patience, if only I had waited a little longer that would have gone so much better. As I am maturing I have realized that it is so important to really hold my tongue, to think through situations and then to respond. There are times when I just want to jump on something, to lash back, to interrupt. That's not what my purpose is about. As much as I want to be heard, sometimes I think it's more important to let other voices speak out and have the ability to be patient with them even though I want to 'fix' them or make them see my point of view.

Patience is waiting, not passively waiting. I like that. A lot of times when I have to wait on something I just give up. Maybe it'll happen maybe not. I call that being 'patient', but that is not patience, that is quitting. I think that no matter whether you will have instant gratification or have to wait it is still something that you should continually work for. When I have been patiently waiting for something I appreciate it so much more than when I got it right when I first wanted it.

Patience is needed in so many aspects of life. Relationships is a huge area that requires a great deal of patience. This is important for me to remember because everything in my life right now is geared toward relationships. My profession is meant to promote healthy relationships, my ministry right now as an RA is completely about relationships, my purpose is to create relationships--having any sort of relationship requires patience. I have discovered that the hard way, through pain and tears and now remember that as I am developing my relationships. Take things slowly, be patient.

Actively patient, I think that defines me. Trying to find ways in which I can serve, different points of view I can take on things and continuing to work for the Lord as I patiently wait for the next thing in my journey.

"Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble: prayer is a life attitude." -Walter A. Mueller

Not two years ago I looked at prayer completely different than I do today. It was a chore, something I did only because I felt obligated. It was my facade--my cover up for when I wanted everything to seem all okay. I did not publicly shy away from prayer, I stood in the spotlight wanting everyone to hear my 'thees' and 'thous', thinking I was so holy just because I prayed. It was a very sad existence, a hollow purpose. My spirituality stopped there, in publics' eye. I had no depth or breadth to my relationship with the Father. I did not spend hours at a time sitting with the word, drinking up the scriptures. I was stubborn. I didn't lie flat on my face praying 'Father, forgive me'. There was no relying on the Lord in my life. It was me, my pride, and the lonely world I had built up for myself with every 'creative' barrier I could find.

I remember a time in my life when I felt that nothing was left to live for. There was no purpose for my existence, even the very beat of my heart caused me pain. I was nothing without the Lord. My anger became desperation and desperation became longing--longing for something worth living for. It was then that I realized that I couldn't occasionally pray a prayer or open my Bible and read whatever page it happened to fall to. My life as a believer, as a servant of God wasn't about occasion but rather about a life style change, a change of heart and a definition of purpose. A dear friend of mine, who has had a lot of patience with me over the years has on many occasions reminded me of the passage Philippians 3:7-9 "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing (intimate knowledge) Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." She would always say, no matter what it is you are holding on to, let it go--consider it all lost simply for the chance to truly know Him. In my deepest time of need I began to cry to the Lord. My prayer was personal, beginning with humility on my part. He changed me, gave me passion. He developed me into a woman of servitude, looking to others before myself. I can't imagine not living a life style of prayer now.

As I look back on my journey so far, as I examine my life and all the pain and joy I have experienced I am pleased with the growth of my relationship with the Father. My life now isn't about the occasional prayer at the table, before bed, or for a sick friend. I find myself constantly whispering things to Him, having peace in my heart as I know confidently that He heard me. I am thankful for being the child of a God to whom I can have constant communication with.

"What can you say that will be more eloquent than silence itself." - Barbara Brown Taylor

I have always tried to fill the silence in my life with meaningless things. It's easy to do--to spend hours in thought of things of little to no importance. I have been wondering lately why that is and have recently realized that I am afraid to be silent. I am afraid of what I might hear (or not hear). I fill my life with noise because when I am not still, ready and listening I do not have to make myself vulnerable to the things or One around me. It's my little protective shield. It hides my biggest insecurities and my deepest pains.

Today, however, I had this aching depth inside for complete silence in my life--wanting the very thing I have feared for so long. I longed for just a moment that the thoughts and activities around me would stop just long enough to take in a moment of silence with nothing left in me but the beating of my heart and the air escaping from my lungs. I was driven nearly to tears, not really understanding this aching in my chest--wanting so much more in my life, given only what the silence could offer. Honestly, I wanted to be held. For someone not to listen to me but to be silent along side me.

I do not think it is possible to ever reach a point in which everything around me is silent and there are absolutely no thoughts rushing through my mind but I think having a complete peace in my heart is a good start to the type of silence I want to experience.

"Father, in the busyness of my everyday may I find time to be silent before your throne. Show me how to be vulnerable enough to simply let go of myself and listen to your still soft voice. I long for your holiness in my life. Shape me."