Stepping out on faith can be difficult, terrifying and even sometimes lonely. Never once has it been said that this would be easy. As a matter of fact I expected much of what I am feeling. As I'm in the midst of it however, I am ashamed of my doubt and insecurity.
I prayed and God answered me in a extremely cool and real way. It's so easy for me though, to listen to the voice of "reason" saying it doesn't make sense or to get overwhelmed when I think about taking a step of faith. It terrifies me when I think about committing, about stepping out of my comfort zone, about saying "God I cannot do this without you" and having to trust in Him to be my comfort, my companion, my support. I also want to do right in the eyes of those who love me. In my weakness, I want them to be proud of my decisions. I want to prove to them that I have arrived into "adulthood" (whatever that means). I have always said that I would make them proud with how I handle myself, that I would never put myself into a position that seemed irresponsible. And yet, here I am faced with a silly decision--leap or stay on dry ground. It is in this weakness that the dry ground seems enticing. It calls to me, to my need to be comfortable. At the same time I cannot help but wonder what kind of mind-blowing blessings are on the other side of this decision. Hebrews chapter 11 is filled with people who did things that seemed crazy but God BLESSED them. We cannot forget men like Joshua who marched around a city for seven days and the walls came tumbling down, or Noah who faithfully built an ark to escape the flood waters while others mocked him. What about Daniel who remained faithful and the Lord shut the lions' mouths, or Rahab who allowed spies into her home and her life was spared because of it. This leap of faith seems small in comparison.
It is always interesting when you are struggling and things in your daily life seem to speak to those struggles. Today in Sunday School we were talking about the disciples in the final hours of Jesus' life on earth. As they were approaching Gethsemane, Jesus called to them to wait, keep watch and pray. Instead of doing this they fell asleep. After Jesus returned from praying he came to them and said, "Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?....The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." How true. Often times we want to follow Christ, we want to take a step of faith, believe, jump, leap, give Him everything, but our "flesh" gets in the way. In this case my pride, comfort, and fear of being alone are getting in the way of taking a leap.
"Father, help me to open my hands wide to your calling. Take my finances, my need for approval, my fear of being alone, of being forgotten. Lord, may every breath and every beat of my heart be for you. I want nothing if I cannot have you. I want nothing if I will not live my life for you. Show me how to step out on faith. I cannot live this life alone. I have all my life pictured what tomorrow would be like but now I pray that you would ruin the plans that I have and show me what your will is for my life. Father, give me courage."
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
"Nothing of Me"
"'Come,' he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'" - Matthew 14:29-31
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider lost for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." - Philippians 3:7-9
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." - Daniel 3:17-18
"The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." - 1 Thessalonians 5:24
"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." - Deuteronomy 33:12
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
"Father, nothing of this world...I want none of it if it is not of you. You have the power to deliver. You have the power to create change, to provide, to reveal. Even still there is power in your silence, in your soft touch, and in the groaning of your Holy Spirit. May I not look to my own interests but also to yours, to others and finally to myself. May I cast all idols aside. May I lay everything I covet at your cross. Father, you are. That's all that matters. I want nothing if I cannot have you. I know you are faithful. I know you provide. But Father, tonight I pray for PEACE as you lead--lead on. And as you lead may I not look behind. It's about you and me--not anything of this world. Praise be to you. May I fall humbly before you. May nothing of me ever get in your way. Here I am--I am yours."
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider lost for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." - Philippians 3:7-9
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." - Daniel 3:17-18
"The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." - 1 Thessalonians 5:24
"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." - Deuteronomy 33:12
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
"Father, nothing of this world...I want none of it if it is not of you. You have the power to deliver. You have the power to create change, to provide, to reveal. Even still there is power in your silence, in your soft touch, and in the groaning of your Holy Spirit. May I not look to my own interests but also to yours, to others and finally to myself. May I cast all idols aside. May I lay everything I covet at your cross. Father, you are. That's all that matters. I want nothing if I cannot have you. I know you are faithful. I know you provide. But Father, tonight I pray for PEACE as you lead--lead on. And as you lead may I not look behind. It's about you and me--not anything of this world. Praise be to you. May I fall humbly before you. May nothing of me ever get in your way. Here I am--I am yours."
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” - Joseph Campbell
It's hard to know where to begin so I'll just start from the top:
A few months ago when I graduated from college I had every intention of working a job at the school and hanging out in town--putting off as much change as possible. When that didn't work as planned I didn't dwell on the idea. Instead I went the other extreme of trying to find something completely unfamiliar. I considered jobs and schools in what seems like all four corners of the country. During the summer I had the opportunity to travel a great deal. Though I enjoyed every place that I went to I couldn't picture myself anywhere. What was even more distressing was the unrest that I felt in my heart. I began to wonder if my heart would ever feel a sense of peace in this world--a place of belonging. Many times I would long for heaven, for a sense of home with my heavenly Father.
After all of this, a few events transpired to get me to where I am today. Early in the Spring I had committed to go with my "home" church to Falls Creek as a sponsor. Without looking at the dates I later committed to fly to CA to hang out with a sweet friend. About a week before I was supposed to fly out I realized that the week I was planning to be in CA was the same week as camp. Suddenly I had a big decision to make: Go to the beach and not get to experience a week of sleepless nights and rowdy kids or be out the price of a plane ticket and follow through with my first commitment of volunteering to take community showers and "sleeping" in a room with 30 to 40 others. Naturally I chose the latter and before I knew it I was in the midst of 88 others, in a cramped cabin, in the middle of the Falls Creek chaos. As usual camp was exciting, exhausting and enriching all at the same time (Alliteration at its best). Monday and Tuesday went by without a hitch. By the time Wednesday night came around I realized this week wasn't so much about me sponsoring a bunch of lovable hoodlums as it was the first step in a series of steps that would bring me to where I am today and where I hope to be going.
There aren't many times in life when I can say that God spoke to me so clearly that I had no doubt of what He was calling me to do. Wednesday night, however, was one of those times. As we were worshiping together it was as if He had been sitting beside me and quietly yet clearly whispered in my ear "I want you to go back to Chelsea". My initial thought was "Are you kidding me? Tiny, going-nowhere, Chelsea?" and once again, without skipping a beat He said "...and I want you to love on teenagers." Being baffled by this new sense of calling I kept it to myself and began to wonder if Chelsea was the "home" my heart was needing. Once the week was over I ended up heading to Chelsea with the rest of the group. When we arrived at the church and I walked in the doors, there was this literal and overwhelming feeling of peace that rained down on me. It was as if the hold that had been on my heart was gone and I finally felt like I belonged. Right then I remember looking at my friend and saying "This is home."
Since then I have been transitioning back to the area. I had the chance to also attend the Youth Evangelism Conference with FBC Chelsea. It was there that God continued to reveal to me His calling. While there I encountered a friend who had been praying for someone to move the area to be a friend as she and her husband serve in a church not far from Chelsea and have been struggling. God is amazing!
Even though we agree to follow Christ sometimes we still allow ourselves to get in the way. This has been my case. This weekend I realized that I hadn't "lept" yet. Sure, I said I "thought" God was calling me back, but there was always an out--a plan B if you will. I had a plan: get a job, find a place to live, then join the church and get involved. Well after applying to sixteen places and only having one interview that didn't go anywhere it was quickly becoming apparent that "my plan" wasn't going to work. So I jumped in the Word and began reading parable after parable and scripture after scripture of Jesus showing and telling His people to take a leap of faith, throw out their plans and follow after Him. He gave me this picture of myself sitting on the edge of the boat with my feet in the water--not having jumped in yet. Even trusting in Him I had a safety of "...if this doesn't work out I can always go somewhere else." But you see, God wants all of our faith and our plans. So on Sunday I had this overwhelming conviction needing to take a leap of faith by joining the church...simply saying in obedience to God that I now have no plan B, that I will trust Him in this and I'm ready for the ride--I'm here now and I expect to be accountable for that commitment by joining a church. This is silly but that is probably the biggest and scariest step of faith I've taken.
So here I am...In Chelsea, America. I am looking for jobs, knowing He will provide and I am so excited to see where He takes me.
I will keep you up-to-date in the coming weeks on any news but in the mean time take a second to check out this song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller which has somewhat become my theme song as of late.
A few months ago when I graduated from college I had every intention of working a job at the school and hanging out in town--putting off as much change as possible. When that didn't work as planned I didn't dwell on the idea. Instead I went the other extreme of trying to find something completely unfamiliar. I considered jobs and schools in what seems like all four corners of the country. During the summer I had the opportunity to travel a great deal. Though I enjoyed every place that I went to I couldn't picture myself anywhere. What was even more distressing was the unrest that I felt in my heart. I began to wonder if my heart would ever feel a sense of peace in this world--a place of belonging. Many times I would long for heaven, for a sense of home with my heavenly Father.
After all of this, a few events transpired to get me to where I am today. Early in the Spring I had committed to go with my "home" church to Falls Creek as a sponsor. Without looking at the dates I later committed to fly to CA to hang out with a sweet friend. About a week before I was supposed to fly out I realized that the week I was planning to be in CA was the same week as camp. Suddenly I had a big decision to make: Go to the beach and not get to experience a week of sleepless nights and rowdy kids or be out the price of a plane ticket and follow through with my first commitment of volunteering to take community showers and "sleeping" in a room with 30 to 40 others. Naturally I chose the latter and before I knew it I was in the midst of 88 others, in a cramped cabin, in the middle of the Falls Creek chaos. As usual camp was exciting, exhausting and enriching all at the same time (Alliteration at its best). Monday and Tuesday went by without a hitch. By the time Wednesday night came around I realized this week wasn't so much about me sponsoring a bunch of lovable hoodlums as it was the first step in a series of steps that would bring me to where I am today and where I hope to be going.
There aren't many times in life when I can say that God spoke to me so clearly that I had no doubt of what He was calling me to do. Wednesday night, however, was one of those times. As we were worshiping together it was as if He had been sitting beside me and quietly yet clearly whispered in my ear "I want you to go back to Chelsea". My initial thought was "Are you kidding me? Tiny, going-nowhere, Chelsea?" and once again, without skipping a beat He said "...and I want you to love on teenagers." Being baffled by this new sense of calling I kept it to myself and began to wonder if Chelsea was the "home" my heart was needing. Once the week was over I ended up heading to Chelsea with the rest of the group. When we arrived at the church and I walked in the doors, there was this literal and overwhelming feeling of peace that rained down on me. It was as if the hold that had been on my heart was gone and I finally felt like I belonged. Right then I remember looking at my friend and saying "This is home."
Since then I have been transitioning back to the area. I had the chance to also attend the Youth Evangelism Conference with FBC Chelsea. It was there that God continued to reveal to me His calling. While there I encountered a friend who had been praying for someone to move the area to be a friend as she and her husband serve in a church not far from Chelsea and have been struggling. God is amazing!
Even though we agree to follow Christ sometimes we still allow ourselves to get in the way. This has been my case. This weekend I realized that I hadn't "lept" yet. Sure, I said I "thought" God was calling me back, but there was always an out--a plan B if you will. I had a plan: get a job, find a place to live, then join the church and get involved. Well after applying to sixteen places and only having one interview that didn't go anywhere it was quickly becoming apparent that "my plan" wasn't going to work. So I jumped in the Word and began reading parable after parable and scripture after scripture of Jesus showing and telling His people to take a leap of faith, throw out their plans and follow after Him. He gave me this picture of myself sitting on the edge of the boat with my feet in the water--not having jumped in yet. Even trusting in Him I had a safety of "...if this doesn't work out I can always go somewhere else." But you see, God wants all of our faith and our plans. So on Sunday I had this overwhelming conviction needing to take a leap of faith by joining the church...simply saying in obedience to God that I now have no plan B, that I will trust Him in this and I'm ready for the ride--I'm here now and I expect to be accountable for that commitment by joining a church. This is silly but that is probably the biggest and scariest step of faith I've taken.
So here I am...In Chelsea, America. I am looking for jobs, knowing He will provide and I am so excited to see where He takes me.
I will keep you up-to-date in the coming weeks on any news but in the mean time take a second to check out this song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller which has somewhat become my theme song as of late.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Brother and Friend
One of my friends started a "Tuesday Tribute" on her blog which I thought was brilliant. Though I am not consistent enough in my blogging to have regular readers I just had to create a tribute to my brother, Philip.
I have to say that I have a fabulous man as a brother. I just spent a fun-filled week with my sister-in-law, Angela and my niece Micaiah in St Louis. Unfortunately, Philip couldn't come along because of work. When we got home tonight we found the house spic-and-span, homemade cookies in the oven and one very excited daddy/husband/brother to greet us.
I absolutely loved watching him be SO excited to see his baby girl. His laugh was contagious enough to cause a tired ten-month-old to laugh hysterically as she rode around on her daddy's shoulders, smiling from ear-to-ear.
With that being said I must brag on my brother some...here are some of my favorite things about him...
He is...
Kind
Loving
an EXCELLENT father and husband
Generous
Patient
Considerate
He Opened his home to me without any stipulations
He Loves God and shows it
is Encouraging
Strong
Faithful
...to name a few.
Yes, indeed. I am quite proud of him. He has been a best friend, a role model, a pain in the butt, a support....and I am thankful for every bit of it.
I am pretty lucky to have a great brother and friend! Love you, Philip!
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