“Our minds are finite, and even in this condition we are surrounded by possibilities that are infinite--our purpose is to grasp as much as we can."

What is purpose? Webster's Dictionary defines Purpose as 'the reason which something exists or is done, made, used.' That seems simple enough. As I look around me everything seems to have some sort of purpose, from the scissors on my desk to my car sitting in the parking lot. Let me personalize this a little bit. I guess I am wondering what is my purpose? That can be as big as my purpose in life, or as little as my purpose for even writing this blog. There are days when I have no clue why I am here and others in which I am so passionate about my reason, my purpose for where I am right now.

Maybe it's easier to define who I am right now. Let's see--I am a college student. I am a daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, niece, friend, and role model. I am an RA. I am a Family Psychology major. I am a child of God. There are so many dynamics of what makes me into the person--the whole that I am. All of these things, bring great influence into who I want to be and why I am here.

So what is my purpose? I could say the Sunday school answer which is to follow Jesus, and though that is true there is, or should be, so much more to why I am here on this earth. I desire to serve. I am wired that way--to give back to others. I like to be there to not only hear people but to listen to them. I desire deep friendships. My purpose is to give of myself. I think I bring a dynamic of realness to the table as well. I try and work hard to be real with people. I won't sugar coat things, that's not how I was made. I despise it when someone tries to make things seem better than they really are. It's not that I'm pessimistic--I actually like to think of myself as an optimist, whether that is true or not I am not really sure but I'm going to tell you the truth.

There are so many times when I wonder why God placed me where I am right now. Sometimes His plan seems completely different than mine (which is definitely okay). I know I have a purpose for why I am 'here' and I have a glimpse of what that purpose is, but I will patiently wait to find out the rest as I live out my life. The Lord will reveal the right amount at the right time and I'm okay with that.

“Faith is deliberate confidence in the character of God whose ways you may not understand at the time.” - Oswald Chambers

This morning when I was reading the word, I kept thinking about Daniel. He had a great passion for the Lord and incredible faith. He was faced with death if He continued to worship his God but that didn't stop him. He prayed, knowing full well that the Lord would protect him. Even in the lion's den he had faith that he would be delivered.

Sometimes I wonder where my faith in the Lord has gone. I find myself often praying to the Father, saying 'I trust you, I have faith in Your plan.' but whenever my prayer ends I begin to doubt. In the hard times I doubt. I think faith goes hand in hand with patience. It's very difficult to have one without the other. When you are patient it is because you have faith that something will happen and when you are trusting and putting your faith in someone it requires great patience.

In my arrogance I once thought that I had it all together and had nothing left to learn from the Lord. What a dangerous place to be. Now I realize that I have so much I need to learn. I used to pray that I would find satisfaction in the Lord and when I think about that now I realize that is not at all what I want. I never want to be completely satisfied in the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for anything other than Him but I want to always be longing for more of Him. I fear that if I ever become completely satisfied in Him that I will quit searching for more. I am growing. My baby-like faith is maturing. I know that. But I want to be able to have the faith of men like Daniel. Who had faith in the Lord even when facing death.

"Humility doesn't mean thinking less of yourself than others, nor thinking badly of your gifts. It means freedom from thinking of yourself at all."

I used to think that humility was thinking less of myself. It was being critical of my successes, negating any compliments spoken towards me, talking about how I could do better. It's so funny though, everything I just said completely revolves around me--'my successes', 'compliments spoken towards me', and 'how I could do better'. I don't think that that is humility at all. Being humble is making it not about me.

Humility, in my life is to be a vessel crafted for practical use, invisible to those around me, something that doesn't attract others by my 'beauty' or unique design but because I was used to further the kingdom. I don't want anyone to necessarily see the creation (me) but rather the Creator with His signature written on my heart. That to me is how I should live in humility, not putting myself down, not singing my own praises but rather not speaking of myself or drawing attention to myself in any fashion. That is humility.

I really like these two short verses found in I Thessalonians 4:11-12 "Make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business and to work with your hands, just as we told you, so that your daily life may win the respect of outsiders and so that you will not be dependent on anybody." I think that's it in a nutshell, this is how life should be lived--in humility.

“Patience is waiting. Not passively waiting. That is laziness. But to keep going when the going is hard and slow - that is patience.” - Author Unknown

Lately I have worked hard to develop patience in every area of my life. It's not a task to take lightly. This is a task that requires great investment in oneself. It's a constant reminder to hold my tongue, to listen, to wait. There are many, many times when I look back on some situation and think: wow, if only I had had a little more patience, if only I had waited a little longer that would have gone so much better. As I am maturing I have realized that it is so important to really hold my tongue, to think through situations and then to respond. There are times when I just want to jump on something, to lash back, to interrupt. That's not what my purpose is about. As much as I want to be heard, sometimes I think it's more important to let other voices speak out and have the ability to be patient with them even though I want to 'fix' them or make them see my point of view.

Patience is waiting, not passively waiting. I like that. A lot of times when I have to wait on something I just give up. Maybe it'll happen maybe not. I call that being 'patient', but that is not patience, that is quitting. I think that no matter whether you will have instant gratification or have to wait it is still something that you should continually work for. When I have been patiently waiting for something I appreciate it so much more than when I got it right when I first wanted it.

Patience is needed in so many aspects of life. Relationships is a huge area that requires a great deal of patience. This is important for me to remember because everything in my life right now is geared toward relationships. My profession is meant to promote healthy relationships, my ministry right now as an RA is completely about relationships, my purpose is to create relationships--having any sort of relationship requires patience. I have discovered that the hard way, through pain and tears and now remember that as I am developing my relationships. Take things slowly, be patient.

Actively patient, I think that defines me. Trying to find ways in which I can serve, different points of view I can take on things and continuing to work for the Lord as I patiently wait for the next thing in my journey.

"Prayer is not merely an occasional impulse to which we respond when we are in trouble: prayer is a life attitude." -Walter A. Mueller

Not two years ago I looked at prayer completely different than I do today. It was a chore, something I did only because I felt obligated. It was my facade--my cover up for when I wanted everything to seem all okay. I did not publicly shy away from prayer, I stood in the spotlight wanting everyone to hear my 'thees' and 'thous', thinking I was so holy just because I prayed. It was a very sad existence, a hollow purpose. My spirituality stopped there, in publics' eye. I had no depth or breadth to my relationship with the Father. I did not spend hours at a time sitting with the word, drinking up the scriptures. I was stubborn. I didn't lie flat on my face praying 'Father, forgive me'. There was no relying on the Lord in my life. It was me, my pride, and the lonely world I had built up for myself with every 'creative' barrier I could find.

I remember a time in my life when I felt that nothing was left to live for. There was no purpose for my existence, even the very beat of my heart caused me pain. I was nothing without the Lord. My anger became desperation and desperation became longing--longing for something worth living for. It was then that I realized that I couldn't occasionally pray a prayer or open my Bible and read whatever page it happened to fall to. My life as a believer, as a servant of God wasn't about occasion but rather about a life style change, a change of heart and a definition of purpose. A dear friend of mine, who has had a lot of patience with me over the years has on many occasions reminded me of the passage Philippians 3:7-9 "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing (intimate knowledge) Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." She would always say, no matter what it is you are holding on to, let it go--consider it all lost simply for the chance to truly know Him. In my deepest time of need I began to cry to the Lord. My prayer was personal, beginning with humility on my part. He changed me, gave me passion. He developed me into a woman of servitude, looking to others before myself. I can't imagine not living a life style of prayer now.

As I look back on my journey so far, as I examine my life and all the pain and joy I have experienced I am pleased with the growth of my relationship with the Father. My life now isn't about the occasional prayer at the table, before bed, or for a sick friend. I find myself constantly whispering things to Him, having peace in my heart as I know confidently that He heard me. I am thankful for being the child of a God to whom I can have constant communication with.

"What can you say that will be more eloquent than silence itself." - Barbara Brown Taylor

I have always tried to fill the silence in my life with meaningless things. It's easy to do--to spend hours in thought of things of little to no importance. I have been wondering lately why that is and have recently realized that I am afraid to be silent. I am afraid of what I might hear (or not hear). I fill my life with noise because when I am not still, ready and listening I do not have to make myself vulnerable to the things or One around me. It's my little protective shield. It hides my biggest insecurities and my deepest pains.

Today, however, I had this aching depth inside for complete silence in my life--wanting the very thing I have feared for so long. I longed for just a moment that the thoughts and activities around me would stop just long enough to take in a moment of silence with nothing left in me but the beating of my heart and the air escaping from my lungs. I was driven nearly to tears, not really understanding this aching in my chest--wanting so much more in my life, given only what the silence could offer. Honestly, I wanted to be held. For someone not to listen to me but to be silent along side me.

I do not think it is possible to ever reach a point in which everything around me is silent and there are absolutely no thoughts rushing through my mind but I think having a complete peace in my heart is a good start to the type of silence I want to experience.

"Father, in the busyness of my everyday may I find time to be silent before your throne. Show me how to be vulnerable enough to simply let go of myself and listen to your still soft voice. I long for your holiness in my life. Shape me."