I am weak, imperfect and afraid. It may appear on the outside that I am a strong, independent, can roll with the punches sort of girl, but if I am being honest I know that I can do none of these. It is only through Christ that I am strong. My independence is rooted in His unfailing love and it is only by His refining fires that I am able to see trial as good.
I ran across a quote from John Piper not long ago that stopped me in my happy-go-lucky tracks:
"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"
This quote instantly exposed the shallowness of my one-sided faith in God. I am ashamed to say that too easily the answer to that question would more often than not be "yes". Is that the extent of my love for the Lord? When I face trials I go running to the Lord but when things are good I almost always fall away, thinking I can handle it on my own. How proud of me to think I can handle anything on my own. I cannot.
Last year the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller became sort of an anthem for my life, saying that as I wait I will continue to praise the Lord. There was nothing wrong with this idea until I began to assume that the Lord would indeed deliver me out of my situation. Now, however, I find myself asking the question "what if"--what if He chooses not to deliver me from this place in life?, what if this is exactly what God has purposed for my life? Am I willing to live it to the fullest and quit looking for the next "out", thinking that surely He has something much more grandiose for my incredible life? Woe to me.
"Father, you are good to me and so often in your blessings I lose sight of you. Your blessings feel good and bring me great joy, but without you they are nothing. I desire to live for you alone but I constantly get distracted by the good things in my life that I run after more good feelings and leave you by the wayside. Forgive me oh Lord. Without you I am nothing. I know now that no good feeling will ever fill up the void in my heart. Forgive me for trying to stuff people and things and places into a God-sized hole. Let my feet run after you and my eyes see none but you. Lord, let it be."
