Stepping out on faith can be difficult, terrifying and even sometimes lonely. Never once has it been said that this would be easy. As a matter of fact I expected much of what I am feeling. As I'm in the midst of it however, I am ashamed of my doubt and insecurity.
I prayed and God answered me in a extremely cool and real way. It's so easy for me though, to listen to the voice of "reason" saying it doesn't make sense or to get overwhelmed when I think about taking a step of faith. It terrifies me when I think about committing, about stepping out of my comfort zone, about saying "God I cannot do this without you" and having to trust in Him to be my comfort, my companion, my support. I also want to do right in the eyes of those who love me. In my weakness, I want them to be proud of my decisions. I want to prove to them that I have arrived into "adulthood" (whatever that means). I have always said that I would make them proud with how I handle myself, that I would never put myself into a position that seemed irresponsible. And yet, here I am faced with a silly decision--leap or stay on dry ground. It is in this weakness that the dry ground seems enticing. It calls to me, to my need to be comfortable. At the same time I cannot help but wonder what kind of mind-blowing blessings are on the other side of this decision. Hebrews chapter 11 is filled with people who did things that seemed crazy but God BLESSED them. We cannot forget men like Joshua who marched around a city for seven days and the walls came tumbling down, or Noah who faithfully built an ark to escape the flood waters while others mocked him. What about Daniel who remained faithful and the Lord shut the lions' mouths, or Rahab who allowed spies into her home and her life was spared because of it. This leap of faith seems small in comparison.
It is always interesting when you are struggling and things in your daily life seem to speak to those struggles. Today in Sunday School we were talking about the disciples in the final hours of Jesus' life on earth. As they were approaching Gethsemane, Jesus called to them to wait, keep watch and pray. Instead of doing this they fell asleep. After Jesus returned from praying he came to them and said, "Could you not keep watch with me for one hour?....The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." How true. Often times we want to follow Christ, we want to take a step of faith, believe, jump, leap, give Him everything, but our "flesh" gets in the way. In this case my pride, comfort, and fear of being alone are getting in the way of taking a leap.
"Father, help me to open my hands wide to your calling. Take my finances, my need for approval, my fear of being alone, of being forgotten. Lord, may every breath and every beat of my heart be for you. I want nothing if I cannot have you. I want nothing if I will not live my life for you. Show me how to step out on faith. I cannot live this life alone. I have all my life pictured what tomorrow would be like but now I pray that you would ruin the plans that I have and show me what your will is for my life. Father, give me courage."
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
"Nothing of Me"
"'Come,' he said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, 'Lord, save me!' Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. 'You of little faith,' he said, 'why did you doubt?'" - Matthew 14:29-31
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider lost for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." - Philippians 3:7-9
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." - Daniel 3:17-18
"The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." - 1 Thessalonians 5:24
"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." - Deuteronomy 33:12
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
"Father, nothing of this world...I want none of it if it is not of you. You have the power to deliver. You have the power to create change, to provide, to reveal. Even still there is power in your silence, in your soft touch, and in the groaning of your Holy Spirit. May I not look to my own interests but also to yours, to others and finally to myself. May I cast all idols aside. May I lay everything I covet at your cross. Father, you are. That's all that matters. I want nothing if I cannot have you. I know you are faithful. I know you provide. But Father, tonight I pray for PEACE as you lead--lead on. And as you lead may I not look behind. It's about you and me--not anything of this world. Praise be to you. May I fall humbly before you. May nothing of me ever get in your way. Here I am--I am yours."
"But whatever was to my profit I now consider lost for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." - Philippians 3:7-9
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." - Hebrews 10:23
"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." - Daniel 3:17-18
"The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." - 1 Thessalonians 5:24
"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." - Deuteronomy 33:12
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." - Exodus 14:14
"Father, nothing of this world...I want none of it if it is not of you. You have the power to deliver. You have the power to create change, to provide, to reveal. Even still there is power in your silence, in your soft touch, and in the groaning of your Holy Spirit. May I not look to my own interests but also to yours, to others and finally to myself. May I cast all idols aside. May I lay everything I covet at your cross. Father, you are. That's all that matters. I want nothing if I cannot have you. I know you are faithful. I know you provide. But Father, tonight I pray for PEACE as you lead--lead on. And as you lead may I not look behind. It's about you and me--not anything of this world. Praise be to you. May I fall humbly before you. May nothing of me ever get in your way. Here I am--I am yours."
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” - Joseph Campbell
It's hard to know where to begin so I'll just start from the top:
A few months ago when I graduated from college I had every intention of working a job at the school and hanging out in town--putting off as much change as possible. When that didn't work as planned I didn't dwell on the idea. Instead I went the other extreme of trying to find something completely unfamiliar. I considered jobs and schools in what seems like all four corners of the country. During the summer I had the opportunity to travel a great deal. Though I enjoyed every place that I went to I couldn't picture myself anywhere. What was even more distressing was the unrest that I felt in my heart. I began to wonder if my heart would ever feel a sense of peace in this world--a place of belonging. Many times I would long for heaven, for a sense of home with my heavenly Father.
After all of this, a few events transpired to get me to where I am today. Early in the Spring I had committed to go with my "home" church to Falls Creek as a sponsor. Without looking at the dates I later committed to fly to CA to hang out with a sweet friend. About a week before I was supposed to fly out I realized that the week I was planning to be in CA was the same week as camp. Suddenly I had a big decision to make: Go to the beach and not get to experience a week of sleepless nights and rowdy kids or be out the price of a plane ticket and follow through with my first commitment of volunteering to take community showers and "sleeping" in a room with 30 to 40 others. Naturally I chose the latter and before I knew it I was in the midst of 88 others, in a cramped cabin, in the middle of the Falls Creek chaos. As usual camp was exciting, exhausting and enriching all at the same time (Alliteration at its best). Monday and Tuesday went by without a hitch. By the time Wednesday night came around I realized this week wasn't so much about me sponsoring a bunch of lovable hoodlums as it was the first step in a series of steps that would bring me to where I am today and where I hope to be going.
There aren't many times in life when I can say that God spoke to me so clearly that I had no doubt of what He was calling me to do. Wednesday night, however, was one of those times. As we were worshiping together it was as if He had been sitting beside me and quietly yet clearly whispered in my ear "I want you to go back to Chelsea". My initial thought was "Are you kidding me? Tiny, going-nowhere, Chelsea?" and once again, without skipping a beat He said "...and I want you to love on teenagers." Being baffled by this new sense of calling I kept it to myself and began to wonder if Chelsea was the "home" my heart was needing. Once the week was over I ended up heading to Chelsea with the rest of the group. When we arrived at the church and I walked in the doors, there was this literal and overwhelming feeling of peace that rained down on me. It was as if the hold that had been on my heart was gone and I finally felt like I belonged. Right then I remember looking at my friend and saying "This is home."
Since then I have been transitioning back to the area. I had the chance to also attend the Youth Evangelism Conference with FBC Chelsea. It was there that God continued to reveal to me His calling. While there I encountered a friend who had been praying for someone to move the area to be a friend as she and her husband serve in a church not far from Chelsea and have been struggling. God is amazing!
Even though we agree to follow Christ sometimes we still allow ourselves to get in the way. This has been my case. This weekend I realized that I hadn't "lept" yet. Sure, I said I "thought" God was calling me back, but there was always an out--a plan B if you will. I had a plan: get a job, find a place to live, then join the church and get involved. Well after applying to sixteen places and only having one interview that didn't go anywhere it was quickly becoming apparent that "my plan" wasn't going to work. So I jumped in the Word and began reading parable after parable and scripture after scripture of Jesus showing and telling His people to take a leap of faith, throw out their plans and follow after Him. He gave me this picture of myself sitting on the edge of the boat with my feet in the water--not having jumped in yet. Even trusting in Him I had a safety of "...if this doesn't work out I can always go somewhere else." But you see, God wants all of our faith and our plans. So on Sunday I had this overwhelming conviction needing to take a leap of faith by joining the church...simply saying in obedience to God that I now have no plan B, that I will trust Him in this and I'm ready for the ride--I'm here now and I expect to be accountable for that commitment by joining a church. This is silly but that is probably the biggest and scariest step of faith I've taken.
So here I am...In Chelsea, America. I am looking for jobs, knowing He will provide and I am so excited to see where He takes me.
I will keep you up-to-date in the coming weeks on any news but in the mean time take a second to check out this song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller which has somewhat become my theme song as of late.
A few months ago when I graduated from college I had every intention of working a job at the school and hanging out in town--putting off as much change as possible. When that didn't work as planned I didn't dwell on the idea. Instead I went the other extreme of trying to find something completely unfamiliar. I considered jobs and schools in what seems like all four corners of the country. During the summer I had the opportunity to travel a great deal. Though I enjoyed every place that I went to I couldn't picture myself anywhere. What was even more distressing was the unrest that I felt in my heart. I began to wonder if my heart would ever feel a sense of peace in this world--a place of belonging. Many times I would long for heaven, for a sense of home with my heavenly Father.
After all of this, a few events transpired to get me to where I am today. Early in the Spring I had committed to go with my "home" church to Falls Creek as a sponsor. Without looking at the dates I later committed to fly to CA to hang out with a sweet friend. About a week before I was supposed to fly out I realized that the week I was planning to be in CA was the same week as camp. Suddenly I had a big decision to make: Go to the beach and not get to experience a week of sleepless nights and rowdy kids or be out the price of a plane ticket and follow through with my first commitment of volunteering to take community showers and "sleeping" in a room with 30 to 40 others. Naturally I chose the latter and before I knew it I was in the midst of 88 others, in a cramped cabin, in the middle of the Falls Creek chaos. As usual camp was exciting, exhausting and enriching all at the same time (Alliteration at its best). Monday and Tuesday went by without a hitch. By the time Wednesday night came around I realized this week wasn't so much about me sponsoring a bunch of lovable hoodlums as it was the first step in a series of steps that would bring me to where I am today and where I hope to be going.
There aren't many times in life when I can say that God spoke to me so clearly that I had no doubt of what He was calling me to do. Wednesday night, however, was one of those times. As we were worshiping together it was as if He had been sitting beside me and quietly yet clearly whispered in my ear "I want you to go back to Chelsea". My initial thought was "Are you kidding me? Tiny, going-nowhere, Chelsea?" and once again, without skipping a beat He said "...and I want you to love on teenagers." Being baffled by this new sense of calling I kept it to myself and began to wonder if Chelsea was the "home" my heart was needing. Once the week was over I ended up heading to Chelsea with the rest of the group. When we arrived at the church and I walked in the doors, there was this literal and overwhelming feeling of peace that rained down on me. It was as if the hold that had been on my heart was gone and I finally felt like I belonged. Right then I remember looking at my friend and saying "This is home."
Since then I have been transitioning back to the area. I had the chance to also attend the Youth Evangelism Conference with FBC Chelsea. It was there that God continued to reveal to me His calling. While there I encountered a friend who had been praying for someone to move the area to be a friend as she and her husband serve in a church not far from Chelsea and have been struggling. God is amazing!
Even though we agree to follow Christ sometimes we still allow ourselves to get in the way. This has been my case. This weekend I realized that I hadn't "lept" yet. Sure, I said I "thought" God was calling me back, but there was always an out--a plan B if you will. I had a plan: get a job, find a place to live, then join the church and get involved. Well after applying to sixteen places and only having one interview that didn't go anywhere it was quickly becoming apparent that "my plan" wasn't going to work. So I jumped in the Word and began reading parable after parable and scripture after scripture of Jesus showing and telling His people to take a leap of faith, throw out their plans and follow after Him. He gave me this picture of myself sitting on the edge of the boat with my feet in the water--not having jumped in yet. Even trusting in Him I had a safety of "...if this doesn't work out I can always go somewhere else." But you see, God wants all of our faith and our plans. So on Sunday I had this overwhelming conviction needing to take a leap of faith by joining the church...simply saying in obedience to God that I now have no plan B, that I will trust Him in this and I'm ready for the ride--I'm here now and I expect to be accountable for that commitment by joining a church. This is silly but that is probably the biggest and scariest step of faith I've taken.
So here I am...In Chelsea, America. I am looking for jobs, knowing He will provide and I am so excited to see where He takes me.
I will keep you up-to-date in the coming weeks on any news but in the mean time take a second to check out this song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller which has somewhat become my theme song as of late.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Brother and Friend
One of my friends started a "Tuesday Tribute" on her blog which I thought was brilliant. Though I am not consistent enough in my blogging to have regular readers I just had to create a tribute to my brother, Philip.
I have to say that I have a fabulous man as a brother. I just spent a fun-filled week with my sister-in-law, Angela and my niece Micaiah in St Louis. Unfortunately, Philip couldn't come along because of work. When we got home tonight we found the house spic-and-span, homemade cookies in the oven and one very excited daddy/husband/brother to greet us.
I absolutely loved watching him be SO excited to see his baby girl. His laugh was contagious enough to cause a tired ten-month-old to laugh hysterically as she rode around on her daddy's shoulders, smiling from ear-to-ear.
With that being said I must brag on my brother some...here are some of my favorite things about him...
He is...
Kind
Loving
an EXCELLENT father and husband
Generous
Patient
Considerate
He Opened his home to me without any stipulations
He Loves God and shows it
is Encouraging
Strong
Faithful
...to name a few.
Yes, indeed. I am quite proud of him. He has been a best friend, a role model, a pain in the butt, a support....and I am thankful for every bit of it.
I am pretty lucky to have a great brother and friend! Love you, Philip!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Holding on to the Only Constant.
Change. If I had to sum up my life in the last several months that would be the best description. I am constantly finding myself in this roller coaster of emotion--always surprised at the moodiness that it brings. One minute excited about this new step in life; the next wanting nothing more than to resist all change and hope time will overlook me.
I suppose I am always in a state of change but I began noticing this seemingly rapid transition just prior to Spring Break. I remember sitting in the living room of a friend's apartment thinking time was moving at light speed; that in the blink of an eye I would be graduating, packing up my life here and moving on. Just as I predicted, I blinked and here I am, three days before my college graduation. There are times when I'm excited, times when I think "bring it on, I'm ready", but then reality sets in. Though I have pledged to trust God and His plan for my life my habitual doubt shows it's ugly face.
When I look back on the last few months I am astonished almost to see all of the transitions that have taken place. From saying goodbye to a home of seventeen years to nearly finishing college; much has happened. Who would have ever thought it would be hard to say goodbye to a mailbox that I have had for four years? Or a bug-infested house that I have lived in for nine months? Who would have thought that buying my last scantron would be significant and having my last meeting would mark one more familiar thing that soon would only be a memory? And what about those friends I've made--what happens to them? We promise with our best intentions to write, to call, to "hangout" while we're both in town--but soon our best intention becomes another thing on our list of things we should have done but didn't.
There is so much to take in. I am truly at a crossroads. There is nothing left here that is required of me. When I walk out of that last final on Thursday my obligation to OBU is finished. That's something to take in for a minute.
So what about tomorrow? Everything I have written about is the close of another chapter in life. The question I have come to dread fits nicely right here. "What's next?" There are two types of change--closure and new beginnings. So what new beginning do I have to look forward to? I don't know. It's out there, I know that. He will provide, I am confident of that as well. So until then I will wait, reflect and be hopeful.
"Father, in this time of extreme transition, You are there. When everything I know is coming to a close, when my comfort zone is becoming something I can't grasp--You are there. You are my heartbeat, the rising and falling of my chest. Even when my life seems to be spinning out of my control You are constant. May I hold on to that simple truth--that You will never leave me."
I suppose I am always in a state of change but I began noticing this seemingly rapid transition just prior to Spring Break. I remember sitting in the living room of a friend's apartment thinking time was moving at light speed; that in the blink of an eye I would be graduating, packing up my life here and moving on. Just as I predicted, I blinked and here I am, three days before my college graduation. There are times when I'm excited, times when I think "bring it on, I'm ready", but then reality sets in. Though I have pledged to trust God and His plan for my life my habitual doubt shows it's ugly face.
When I look back on the last few months I am astonished almost to see all of the transitions that have taken place. From saying goodbye to a home of seventeen years to nearly finishing college; much has happened. Who would have ever thought it would be hard to say goodbye to a mailbox that I have had for four years? Or a bug-infested house that I have lived in for nine months? Who would have thought that buying my last scantron would be significant and having my last meeting would mark one more familiar thing that soon would only be a memory? And what about those friends I've made--what happens to them? We promise with our best intentions to write, to call, to "hangout" while we're both in town--but soon our best intention becomes another thing on our list of things we should have done but didn't.
There is so much to take in. I am truly at a crossroads. There is nothing left here that is required of me. When I walk out of that last final on Thursday my obligation to OBU is finished. That's something to take in for a minute.
So what about tomorrow? Everything I have written about is the close of another chapter in life. The question I have come to dread fits nicely right here. "What's next?" There are two types of change--closure and new beginnings. So what new beginning do I have to look forward to? I don't know. It's out there, I know that. He will provide, I am confident of that as well. So until then I will wait, reflect and be hopeful.
"Father, in this time of extreme transition, You are there. When everything I know is coming to a close, when my comfort zone is becoming something I can't grasp--You are there. You are my heartbeat, the rising and falling of my chest. Even when my life seems to be spinning out of my control You are constant. May I hold on to that simple truth--that You will never leave me."
Monday, May 11, 2009
"Renewing Rains"
What an excellent way to start the day--sitting outside on the front porch watching the morning rain fall down on the earth. Listening to the methodic pounding on the concrete walk--the cars passing by leaving ripples as the ever-increasing puddles fight to regain their shape. The sound of morning birds calling to one another in greetings. All-the-while the refreshing smell of rain droplets penetrate my nostrils--promising new life to the grassy fields, to the robin who leans in for chilling refreshment. The breeze, as it rustles the newly formed leaves, reminds me of the importance of faith. Though I cannot see, I still believe. The sun, giving way to the earth's pleading for rain--a new day has begun.
"You have promised me a new day, Oh Lord. You promise to provide for me just as you provide the earth its lifeblood. So here are my thoughts, concerns and desires. Here are my passions and my plans. Ruin me. In my own selfish gain, ruin me. May the beating of my heart and the air escaping my lips be only for your glory and not my own."
"You have promised me a new day, Oh Lord. You promise to provide for me just as you provide the earth its lifeblood. So here are my thoughts, concerns and desires. Here are my passions and my plans. Ruin me. In my own selfish gain, ruin me. May the beating of my heart and the air escaping my lips be only for your glory and not my own."
Sunday, April 19, 2009
"Honestly..."
I have been struggling with this deep aching in my heart for several months now--never quite finding the right way to quench the longing or to express its depth. I am a creative person. I paint, draw, write and play. Yet none of these disciplines have come close to exemplifying my driving force--my cravings for depth and for meaning. I cry out, reach out and constantly look for ways to develop myself into a more rounded, complete person, and yet none of this has come with much satisfaction. I am always longing for more--for a way to out-pour the very thing that keeps me inhaling and exhaling, the very thing that causes my heart to pump and my passion to come alive.
Here I am. I have fallen short of any such expression. The passion that wells up inside of me has been short-handed--given nothing more than a small box to call its dwelling and a rare opportunity to air its magnitude. I long to sit with a friend and speculate on the vastness of God or to share our heart-cries. I yearn for more, for the ability to effectively express my thoughts, longings and dreams. Yet somehow despite trying, here I am--still longing.
I do not write these words for someone to come up with a solution. On the contrary, I would much prefer a listening ear and a loss for words than a closed mind and a methodical solution. I guess all in all what I'm trying to say is simply this: I am tired of complacency and routine. I am disgusted with half-hearted listening and the masquerade of togetherness. I crave honesty and vulnerability--something that seems so foreign in our busy lives. I know I am guilty of these things and with my pride set aside I admit I fall short. I am no where near where I want to be but I think I have finally come to the realization that I am willing to continue striving.
The Messiah, in John 14:27, says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Therefore "may the peace of Christ rule in [my] heart, since as a member of one body [I was] called to peace. And be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)
May the peace of Christ envelope each of us as we strive for much of Him.
Here I am. I have fallen short of any such expression. The passion that wells up inside of me has been short-handed--given nothing more than a small box to call its dwelling and a rare opportunity to air its magnitude. I long to sit with a friend and speculate on the vastness of God or to share our heart-cries. I yearn for more, for the ability to effectively express my thoughts, longings and dreams. Yet somehow despite trying, here I am--still longing.
I do not write these words for someone to come up with a solution. On the contrary, I would much prefer a listening ear and a loss for words than a closed mind and a methodical solution. I guess all in all what I'm trying to say is simply this: I am tired of complacency and routine. I am disgusted with half-hearted listening and the masquerade of togetherness. I crave honesty and vulnerability--something that seems so foreign in our busy lives. I know I am guilty of these things and with my pride set aside I admit I fall short. I am no where near where I want to be but I think I have finally come to the realization that I am willing to continue striving.
The Messiah, in John 14:27, says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Therefore "may the peace of Christ rule in [my] heart, since as a member of one body [I was] called to peace. And be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)
May the peace of Christ envelope each of us as we strive for much of Him.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
A day in History
As I am typing these words the smell of smoke is seeping through every crack and crevasse in my home. It's a reminder of the devastation that is happening not twenty miles from here. I hear the complaints of companions and even my own. Things like "I'm sorry your house is on fire but I want to watch The Office" (which isn't on due to continuous news coverage) or "Maybe we'll get out of school tomorrow that way I can sleep in." Oh how I pray the Lord will humble His people! How sad that we are more concerned with the mundane. How petty are our lives.
Lately I have been thinking of future jobs and what life will look like after May 23rd--often wondering where will I be and what will be next. It wasn't until tonight when I was holding hands with eight Godly women that I finally heard the voice of the Lord say that He was in control. It again made me realize that I haven't given all of myself to Him. After we prayed and everyone went their separate ways I was compelled to stay there and listen. The girls practicing for Chapel started singing through several songs that I knew but then they began singing new lyrics, ones that were unfamiliar to me. "Hallelujah, hallelujah...Whatever's in front of me help me to sing hallelujah..." These words penetrated my soul. It was as if I had a glimpse of a God MUCH bigger than myself, one that no words could express. As it says in the book of Romans my spirit interceded with heavenly groaning--a longing for an ever faithful God that I have been so complacent about in recent weeks.
I prayed tonight that the devastation, that is at this very moment growing greater, wouldn't be remembered as a day of tragedy; rather that revival would spring up from the ashes and His glory would reign! I think the verse at the top of my blog is very relevant right now: "The Lord Said 'I will answer the pleading of the sky for clouds, which will pour down water on the earth in answer to its cries for rain.'"
- Hosea 2:21
Have Faith.
Lately I have been thinking of future jobs and what life will look like after May 23rd--often wondering where will I be and what will be next. It wasn't until tonight when I was holding hands with eight Godly women that I finally heard the voice of the Lord say that He was in control. It again made me realize that I haven't given all of myself to Him. After we prayed and everyone went their separate ways I was compelled to stay there and listen. The girls practicing for Chapel started singing through several songs that I knew but then they began singing new lyrics, ones that were unfamiliar to me. "Hallelujah, hallelujah...Whatever's in front of me help me to sing hallelujah..." These words penetrated my soul. It was as if I had a glimpse of a God MUCH bigger than myself, one that no words could express. As it says in the book of Romans my spirit interceded with heavenly groaning--a longing for an ever faithful God that I have been so complacent about in recent weeks.
I prayed tonight that the devastation, that is at this very moment growing greater, wouldn't be remembered as a day of tragedy; rather that revival would spring up from the ashes and His glory would reign! I think the verse at the top of my blog is very relevant right now: "The Lord Said 'I will answer the pleading of the sky for clouds, which will pour down water on the earth in answer to its cries for rain.'"
- Hosea 2:21
Have Faith.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Be Yourself.
It's been a while since I have last written. I have actually done a poor job at keeping up with this. It's not that I don't have things to write, it's that sometimes I fear what my heart is saying is far too personal for an internet journal. There is something about writing your deepest thoughts, clicking submit, and not thinking twice about who has access. I just can't forget how powerful that submit button truly is, that and my choice to omit or add to the core of what I'm trying to say.
You see, I've learned great life lessons in recent months, some I will treasure forever, tagging them as milestones in my short experience. It is these lessons that are molding, sometimes painful, but always beneficial to my ever continual growth.
Recently I learned that not everything is about me...mind you that was actually a hard lesson to learn. It is quite easy to focus on what you know, that being your own thoughts and feelings, rather than guessing what others are thinking. This past month I encountered a personal revelation that every person thinks that if things are not going their way then they are somehow being attacked...the truth however is that everyone's defense is somehow translated into an offense...leaving a big mess of confusion and miscommunication among all parties. The best solution I have determined is to sometimes realize the conflict has nothing to do with you and to step aside, allowing the other party to sort through their issues. Don't make everything a personal attack, contaminating the truth with your own personal agenda. Let the facts alone. Don't take everything personally and don't assume that they are "mad" at you simply because everything isn't peachy 24/7 (Know I'm writing this for myself as much as the next guy).
In my most recent conflict I finally realized that I could no longer rack my brain figuring out what I did wrong, or stretch my creativity in trying to prove I am "good enough". I realized it wasn't about me. I realized I had nothing to prove and no wrong that needed to be forgiven. I examined myself with an honest eye, searching for my mistakes and found none that had not previously been forgiven. It was then that I realized that I was good enough. It was then that I was free! That I could present myself as I am, without anything to prove and without anything to give but myself and my talents. It was then that I released the idea that I needed to be something I am not...instead I grabbed hold to the challenge to be the best possible version of myself, careful to judge, quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger...that I might come without fault.
Examine your heart and rid yourself of all that is impure. Present yourself, holy and pleasing to the Lord. But mostly be yourself. The Father created you in His perfect image to be the person that you are. Don't try to change it as you will taint His plan for you. This is not a fix-all. Sometimes even after all of this that person may say they don't want to be your friend, or (you fill in the blank)...but at least you can walk away knowing that you were true to yourself and to your Father in Heaven.
"Abba, as the song so plainly states would you strip away all that remains until there is nothing left of me. May my spirit be pleasing to You. May I present myself as a workman, faultless and blameless in Your sight, having nothing to prove. May I offer up myself and when I am turned down may I turn to Your embrace. Bless me indeed."
You see, I've learned great life lessons in recent months, some I will treasure forever, tagging them as milestones in my short experience. It is these lessons that are molding, sometimes painful, but always beneficial to my ever continual growth.
Recently I learned that not everything is about me...mind you that was actually a hard lesson to learn. It is quite easy to focus on what you know, that being your own thoughts and feelings, rather than guessing what others are thinking. This past month I encountered a personal revelation that every person thinks that if things are not going their way then they are somehow being attacked...the truth however is that everyone's defense is somehow translated into an offense...leaving a big mess of confusion and miscommunication among all parties. The best solution I have determined is to sometimes realize the conflict has nothing to do with you and to step aside, allowing the other party to sort through their issues. Don't make everything a personal attack, contaminating the truth with your own personal agenda. Let the facts alone. Don't take everything personally and don't assume that they are "mad" at you simply because everything isn't peachy 24/7 (Know I'm writing this for myself as much as the next guy).
In my most recent conflict I finally realized that I could no longer rack my brain figuring out what I did wrong, or stretch my creativity in trying to prove I am "good enough". I realized it wasn't about me. I realized I had nothing to prove and no wrong that needed to be forgiven. I examined myself with an honest eye, searching for my mistakes and found none that had not previously been forgiven. It was then that I realized that I was good enough. It was then that I was free! That I could present myself as I am, without anything to prove and without anything to give but myself and my talents. It was then that I released the idea that I needed to be something I am not...instead I grabbed hold to the challenge to be the best possible version of myself, careful to judge, quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger...that I might come without fault.
Examine your heart and rid yourself of all that is impure. Present yourself, holy and pleasing to the Lord. But mostly be yourself. The Father created you in His perfect image to be the person that you are. Don't try to change it as you will taint His plan for you. This is not a fix-all. Sometimes even after all of this that person may say they don't want to be your friend, or (you fill in the blank)...but at least you can walk away knowing that you were true to yourself and to your Father in Heaven.
"Abba, as the song so plainly states would you strip away all that remains until there is nothing left of me. May my spirit be pleasing to You. May I present myself as a workman, faultless and blameless in Your sight, having nothing to prove. May I offer up myself and when I am turned down may I turn to Your embrace. Bless me indeed."
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