Rejoice.

Early in the semester I painted a series of three paintings to put on the wall above my bed. Two of them are modern, containing squares and lines which are pleasing to the eye but the third, the middle painting, is simply a black canvas with the word "rejoice" painted across it in white paint--as if to remind me every morning when I wake and see that single word that I should rejoice in the day that the Lord has made.

Rejoice. It seems as if I have done everything but that lately. That I have complained in the day the Lord has made or been angry in the day that the Lord has made, or even complacent...

I am very fortunate, there is no question. I am thankful for being reminded tonight when I walked in my room and actually stopped and looked at that word instead of ignoring it's presence. REJOICE.

May I rejoice in YOU, regardless of what is to come. May I rejoice in you when all hope seems gone.

Alone?

I long to write something of worth--wishing the words on this page would give a glimpse into the depths of my heart. I long to breathe in the thickness of the air and contribute in a positive way to those around me. I desire to throw off the trivial, to embrace the meaningful and to linger on the image of the Holy One. I find myself desperate for substance, longing for a moment to share my heart-cries with one who is willing to hear. The loneliness of this world is overwhelming at times. I know that I am losing sight of my purpose, my intimate relationship with the Father, when I look and see myself walking this trail alone. I know He will never leave me but He is saddened by the emptiness of my heart. (Fill me up oh God)

James 3:3-5

I have allowed my circumstances to affect my mood lately. Today I found myself becoming angry at every small thing--the temperature of the room, the professor who called me by the wrong name, the open cabinet in our kitchen. How ridiculous that something so small can steer my entire mood.

My tongue has also caused me great trouble--oh how my words have contaminated my very being. My words must be a reflection of my heart, as I feel apathetic to all around me. My tone of voice, my choice to talk poorly of people who have done nothing to me, my inability to silence my words when I need not speak--when did I become so undisciplined in my response to others? Is it the lack of sleep (likely) but there is no way this can be blamed on sleep-deprivation alone. I have allowed Satan to take control of much of my life--as if this sourness in my mood runs to my core. NO MORE.

I will not allow Satan to have control any longer.

When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.

"He is the constant in an ever-changing world; the light in an ever-grim pursuit for meaning. It is with the assurance of Christ that I am alive."

I met with a friend recently and while meeting with her I realized the change that had taken place in her. What is more is during this exchange I realized that it was time that I step aside, allowing her to make this transition in her life. This encounter opened my eyes to the thought that all things are changing around me. No amount of coaxing can stop it--life, death, growing old, losing friends, meeting new people--all of this comes with the uniqueness of each day.

Though much of me loves the unknown--the growing pains of dealing with people and meshing emotions, I find myself tonight searching for the constant. As if I am underwater, my breath has escaped me, and I find myself frantically searching and reaching for the surface. I am not sure how I would live without Christ or how anyone lives without the everlasting hope of knowing Him. It is through Christ that I have strength and a resolve to face the darkest of days. Without Him all hope is lost.

He is the constant in an ever-changing world; the light in an ever-grim pursuit for meaning. It is with the assurance of Christ that I am alive.

"Nothing is worth completing if passion and thought are not present."

The sun has gone and the countryside has laid itself to sleep once again. I find myself restless in this dimly lit room, longing for something of substance to pour onto this page. It seems as if the weeks have slowed since the end of school and I can feel the beating of my heart once again. As if the blood has finally rushed back into my veins and my desire for depth and breadth has returned.

I have never appreciated the silence more--to finally have a moment to comprehend my heart-cries. They are many. It is in Christ that I lay them down behind me and continue on this journey. He teaches me daily that I must die to myself to have the ability to be alive in Him. Therefore, I consider all things loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him and in return allowing Him to know me. To know and fight for my passions, my needs, and my desires. He will honor me as I honor Him. He is my constant, for that I am desperately thankful.

"In stillness, rises potential. From potential, emerges possibility. From possibility comes choice. And where there's choice there's freedom"

Sitting in worship, as if a revival was taking place all around. Watching each person standing perfectly still, perfectly enthralled in the Father. Overcome by the density of His presence, I am wonderfully in awe of Him. His plan is just right. His love, overwhelming. To be still and almost literally feel His warming touch on my arm, I am overcome by Him.

“Peace is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it”

I have been in the middle of a great deal of conflict recently. When this initially began, I found myself wanting to fix it and remove any conflict that separated me with others so that I could once again feel at ease, as if all is right in the world. Now however, I have realized that having peace isn't about removing all conflict and tension in my life but coping with it and allowing it to be okay.

There's something about coming out on the other side of conflict having grown so much more from it then had I completely avoided it all together. As non enjoyable as it is at times I am thankful for growing pains...for a little friction in life which allows me to grow even more than had everything gone my way.

“Don't let anyone tell you that you have to be a certain way. Be unique. Be what you feel.” - Melissa Etheridge

As I was on my way home this evening I found myself watching the night sky creep it's way into view--overpowering the warmth of the day. It seemed as if all earth's creatures were scampering away, trying to find a safe place to rest for the night. Then a large flock of birds caught my eye as they were swooping through the air. Hundreds, in a mass flying the exact same path. If the one in the front dipped, so did the hundreds behind. After watching this for a few moments, two thoughts came to mind. The first was 'who appointed that bird in the front, leader?' and the second, 'How that flock of birds exemplifies this cycle of life I find myself in.'

I find myself constantly allowing others to determine my path in life. Allowing them to make decisions for me that only I should make. Whether they are aware of the power I have given them or not, it is still there. It is sad to me that I would allow someone else to dictate aspects of my life when in the end I have to live with the consequences, not them. It's true, we live in a world in which our actions have an impact on those around us and same in return, but that shouldn't mean in my life that I let them determine the outcome. Fortunately, today, I am not talking about anything in particular, yet reflecting on where this course in life has taken me.

I pride myself on being an individual and not only that but independent from others. According to Webster's Dictionary Individualism is the 'privilege of determining one's own course of action'. I suppose if I plan to continue considering myself an individual I should start determining my own course of action and quit flying with the flock all the time but spread my wings and try a flight out on my own.

"It's as if the magic of this blissful hour has flowed together into these stirring, bittersweet tones and flow away, becoming transitory once more."

The Lord is steadfast. The Lord is holy. He is mighty to save. He is constant--unfailing, all-loving. He longs for me. He rejoices in my love. He laid everything out for me and oh how He must tremble every time I reject His love.

How wrong we are to search high and low for satisfaction and love from others when the Lord of all the universe desires us more than life. I have been taught a great deal lately about this notion of earthly love versus an unfailing heavenly love from above. No matter how hard we try to love in a pure fashion it always comes back to loving one another out of selfishness. We love in order to get love in return, whether directly or indirectly. 1 Corinthians 13 says "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." May we live like the scriptures command us and not out of selfish ambition.

"Father, forgive me for my failures."

"The Lord will Fight for you; you only need to be still" - Exodus 14:14

Today, I was reminded of something quite profound--The Lord will fight for me. And as I am joining in this prayer throughout the day, praying it over a sweet friend of mine I keep thinking--that's it. Right there in front of me, that's the point. If I allow Him to fight the fight, He will be there to do it.

Lately I've been flailing around through life looking in every direction for more of God--yearning, wanting, searching, for a more intimate, deeper relationship with Him--trying out several spiritual disciplines and finding little success in them in the long run. Sure, for immediate satisfaction they are great, but for the long term goal which drives my soul I have come up empty. Looking back, examining my walk I have to ask myself what am I doing wrong? The answer has become most utterly clear. I've been trying to do it on my own. I haven't been still in Him, sought His direction, or waited for Him to fight for me. No, I've been so narrow-minded looking to my goal, trying to get my plan into action--only to come up even more broken and lost than when I started.

So the question remains: when do I quit looking to myself for the answers and start looking to the Father? Don't get me wrong--working and being disciplined in my relationship with the Father is vital but sometimes I have to be still, reevaluate the "plan" and go from there.

"Sweet and Patient Abba, may I rest secure in You and Your plan and quit fighting for my own, knowing that Yours is a thousand times superior to mine. May I be still enough in You that I will hear Your still, soft direction. Guide my feet and speak through my lips. Show me how to lead in a way that honors Your name."

"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on." - Samuel Butler

Like playing a violin, or any other instrument for that matter, life is a noisy mess of mistakes at first. Learning the art of living takes time and trial and error--and even when you think you have it down your fingers get tangled up and you miss that one note that you've been playing since day one. Living in community is like being in an orchestra. Everyone makes mistakes. Maybe the guy sitting next to you got the note you missed but he jumbled it up on the chorus.

In life, we all have struggles. That's good to remember sometimes. It keeps me humble on my proud days and it lifts my spirits on the days I struggle, knowing others are struggling along side me.

Today, I can't help but sit here and think about all of the things I have used to busy my life--all those notes I had down in my head but when it came to playing them they turned out to be squeaky, or flat. And all for what? For the approval of others? To fill a void that can only be filled by Him? I don't really know. All I know is life is short and God is everything. And if I'm sitting here worrying about whose going to take a moment and notice the score I've written and the song I've played then I think I'm missing the point. It's not a concert. Yes, living in community others get to see what I create of my life but I like to think that I'm playing for an audience of One, and a few lucky people in this world get to listen in--give me a few pointers about how to make that melody sound smooth, and all along as I'm learning my instrument I am depending on Him to teach me how to play it to the best of my ability. Having now discovered that, it's time to take up my instrument in this thing called life, make sure it's tuned, and play my heart out, for Him and Him alone.

“If friends were flowers, I'd pick you” - Author Unknown

As I am thinking about relationships and reflecting on the many people who have impacted my life I have come to realize that slow-growing relationships are much stronger than the relationship which blossoms quickly. It's a great deal like growing a garden of beautiful flowers. Some plant already blossomed flowers--enjoying their beauty, here, now in the present, only to watch them die shortly after planting them. Others, plant a flower bulb. They care for it, watering it and watching it grow, allowing it to take deeper root in the soil and slowly blossoming into a beautifully, vibrant flower. Though it seems like more work there is much more satisfaction in starting the growing process from the bulb.

I realize that in relationships I tend to fall in the instant satisfaction side. I want to see the results now instead of waiting months on end of caring and watching my relationship grow and blossom. Looking back on life though, I know for a fact that I have been so much more happier when I have taken it slow and cultivated my relationships.

The problem is putting this thought into action. I dislike this emotional stage of life, the in between of everything (or so it seems). I have to remind myself to wait on the Lord, knowing that when the time is right He will bring me sweet friendships.