“You can hear the footsteps of God when silence reigns in the mind.” - Sri Sathya Sai Baba

For months I have been looking forward to this break. Basking on this idea of getting away from the busy life I live and focusing intently on the vastness of His love. Now I find myself here--sitting in the midst of hours of unscheduled time--with no particular thing pressing for my attention. And yet here I am, in my silence, having no certain idea of what I need.

The slowness of my days is discomforting. I find myself spending my hours alone doing anything to keep my mind from being still--hours reading stories of other peoples' make believe lives or watching a fictitious character play it out on the screen.

I'm not sure I had realized my cowardness until now--my small attempts to delay a much needed time with Him alone. All the things in this world mean so little compared to Him and yet here I am filling my life with them instead of the Father.

"In this time of rest teach me to give You all that is me. May I grow and mature in You and Your word. Teach me the disciplines You have set out for me. Show me Your face."

“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome.”

I never seem to truly appreciate the beauty and value of something until it is damaged. This week I was quickly reminded of the beauty of nature. How beautiful are the trees that shade and give color to our campus. Watching and listening to them slowly, one by one fall and lose life it made me think about the human race. Life brings us storms...some make it through the weight and strain, others lose a part of themselves but still stand tall, and then there are those that can't take the weight and are destroyed--much like the trees around campus.

I was watching the news early this week and heard about a man and his friends who spent their day knocking the ice off of the "Survivor Tree" in downtown Oklahoma City. This particular tree survived the bombing in '95 and these people were determined not to let it die now. What a great picture. Sometimes in life we can't do things on our own. We require for someone to knock some of the weight from our branches in order to survive.

The campus looks quite sad. It seems as if a war has hit and the causalities have been left behind. It feels like the very essence of death--not only having fallen trees but also an empty campus. I look forward to Spring--to new life, for a time when the wounded survivors heal and bloom.

"Becoming human is a project, and our task is not so much to discover who we are as to create ourselves" - Soren Kierkegaard

Like most days, today is filled with questions, with thoughts, with concerns. I find myself wondering who I am. What makes up this person that I have become? If what Kierkegaard said is true then what type of person am I creating myself to be? Is who I am based on the people I spend time with? I would like to think that I am a little more stable in my identity than that but sometimes I'm not sure.

Like I have said in recent posts I find myself in a time of transition. There are times like now when I feel like I am mourning the loss of a dear friend. Which, I kind of am in a way. Not that anyone close to me has died but in all honesty I see myself growing away from people who at one point meant a great deal to me. I don't know if it is busy schedules, different outlooks on life, or different desires but something has drawn us apart. It's painful. The Lord has blessed me with other people in my life but even that hurts. Relationships are hard. They are something I have always struggled with.

I've never been good at having close friends. I don't know how to balance well. I have, for so long, been the lone leader in my situations. I don't think it helps that my job is designed for it. I desire peace in my life. For this pain to not matter as much. I desire good, healthy friendships.

Trust in Him.

"Father, I come to you realizing I haven't been looking to You in my time of need. I have looked outside of you for peace and satisfaction and though it has been good I have tried to replace that with what I need from you. Forgive me. Draw me close to you in my pain. Let me know it's okay to grieve. Hold me in Your arms."

"God will only mend a broken heart when He is given all the pieces" - Author Unknown

I have been thinking about that quite a bit lately. How we give a small piece of ourselves to the Lord--holding so much of ourselves back and expect Him to mend our hearts and our hurts. I am guilty of this very thing. I still find myself holding things back from the Father and when I do hand something over to Him I trick myself into thinking that I am being generous by giving Him this small thing. When in all reality I am cheating myself of something so much greater if I would just trust in Him and His timing completely.

Who am I? Who am I, to think that I should have control over all of the meaningless things in my life? Why do I refuse to hand it over? Has not the Lord repeatedly proven to me that He is willing and more than able to handle my worries, my hurts, my successes, and my passions?

I find myself unsure of so many things in life. I know that He is constant. I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I know that He will still love me. I don't know if the friendships I am making now will last. He will lift me up. Why am I so willing to lean on the temporary things of life but not rely on this God who promises to walk with me all of my days?

I wish I knew the answers to these things.

“The heart is the best reflective thinker.” - Wendell Phillips

I am finding myself in a place of transition. Transition in relationships, in my walk with the Lord--Transition in my way of thinking and feeling. Yes, I do believe that this is partially from the closing of a semester. It's like that old childhood phrase in the game of hide-and-seek..."Whether you are ready or not, here it comes."

I would definitely have to agree that I have mixed feelings about this transitional period. I am honestly a little apprehensive about the change. I am not ready to give up my comfortable place in WMU 106 for six weeks. I enjoy my classes and want to learn more in them. I am finding great satisfaction and excitement in new relationships. The Lord is definitely showing me a great deal of things. I am comfortable and enjoying this piece of life.

With that being said, as I examine all these different aspects of my life I must admit that I am afraid. I don't like the unknown and uncomfortable. I enjoy people and believe it or not the noise of dorm life. I enjoy the presence of others. I think I am fearful simply because I know that the Lord will stretch me and change me and that will be painful, good, but painful all the same.

This "time off" will be good for me. He seems to always use this time in between semesters to remind me of His presence in my life and how only He can fill the void in my heart. This transition is strange but positive. I am thankful that He has allowed me to become thankful for the blessings He has bestowed upon me.