"Honestly..."

I have been struggling with this deep aching in my heart for several months now--never quite finding the right way to quench the longing or to express its depth. I am a creative person. I paint, draw, write and play. Yet none of these disciplines have come close to exemplifying my driving force--my cravings for depth and for meaning. I cry out, reach out and constantly look for ways to develop myself into a more rounded, complete person, and yet none of this has come with much satisfaction. I am always longing for more--for a way to out-pour the very thing that keeps me inhaling and exhaling, the very thing that causes my heart to pump and my passion to come alive.

Here I am. I have fallen short of any such expression. The passion that wells up inside of me has been short-handed--given nothing more than a small box to call its dwelling and a rare opportunity to air its magnitude. I long to sit with a friend and speculate on the vastness of God or to share our heart-cries. I yearn for more, for the ability to effectively express my thoughts, longings and dreams. Yet somehow despite trying, here I am--still longing.

I do not write these words for someone to come up with a solution. On the contrary, I would much prefer a listening ear and a loss for words than a closed mind and a methodical solution. I guess all in all what I'm trying to say is simply this: I am tired of complacency and routine. I am disgusted with half-hearted listening and the masquerade of togetherness. I crave honesty and vulnerability--something that seems so foreign in our busy lives. I know I am guilty of these things and with my pride set aside I admit I fall short. I am no where near where I want to be but I think I have finally come to the realization that I am willing to continue striving.

The Messiah, in John 14:27, says "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." Therefore "may the peace of Christ rule in [my] heart, since as a member of one body [I was] called to peace. And be thankful." (Colossians 3:15)

May the peace of Christ envelope each of us as we strive for much of Him.

A day in History

As I am typing these words the smell of smoke is seeping through every crack and crevasse in my home. It's a reminder of the devastation that is happening not twenty miles from here. I hear the complaints of companions and even my own. Things like "I'm sorry your house is on fire but I want to watch The Office" (which isn't on due to continuous news coverage) or "Maybe we'll get out of school tomorrow that way I can sleep in." Oh how I pray the Lord will humble His people! How sad that we are more concerned with the mundane. How petty are our lives.

Lately I have been thinking of future jobs and what life will look like after May 23rd--often wondering where will I be and what will be next. It wasn't until tonight when I was holding hands with eight Godly women that I finally heard the voice of the Lord say that He was in control. It again made me realize that I haven't given all of myself to Him. After we prayed and everyone went their separate ways I was compelled to stay there and listen. The girls practicing for Chapel started singing through several songs that I knew but then they began singing new lyrics, ones that were unfamiliar to me. "Hallelujah, hallelujah...Whatever's in front of me help me to sing hallelujah..." These words penetrated my soul. It was as if I had a glimpse of a God MUCH bigger than myself, one that no words could express. As it says in the book of Romans my spirit interceded with heavenly groaning--a longing for an ever faithful God that I have been so complacent about in recent weeks.

I prayed tonight that the devastation, that is at this very moment growing greater, wouldn't be remembered as a day of tragedy; rather that revival would spring up from the ashes and His glory would reign! I think the verse at the top of my blog is very relevant right now: "The Lord Said 'I will answer the pleading of the sky for clouds, which will pour down water on the earth in answer to its cries for rain.'"
- Hosea 2:21

Have Faith.