Unworthy Wretch

I think about this time every year, I look back and think the same thing--"Wow, it's hard to believe that the year is almost over." This year is no different. The past few weeks have caused me to reflect on the happenings of my year, question the purpose behind some of my life circumstances, but always come to the same conclusion--the Lord is so good.

I am sure that I have realized this before but, recently I realized that I can do nothing on my own that is of any significance. It is so easy, when things are going well, to think that the Lord is blessing me because of something that I have accomplished. As if, I could turn the head of our creator, leaving Him thinking "Wow, look at how awesome Dayla is today. I think I am going to bless her since she was extra awesome." No, no goodness in my life comes from my own doing. The Lord doesn't "owe" me anything because I am good or kind or I was thoughtful enough to walk the proverbial old lady across the street. I don't know why He chooses to bless me but it is not because of anything I have done. No, the Lord chooses to give and to take away out of HIS own freewill. That is so good for me to remember (and often). It comes natural to pat myself on the back and think that any blessing coming from the Lord is because I was extra obedient, but truth be told the true blessing is that I don't deserve an ounce of His LOVE yet He gives it to me anyway. Wow, that blows me away. Unworthy yet still shown mercy.

I have been reading the book "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan in a small group at my church. We recently finished a chapter on loving others as Christ. The chapter itself led to a discussion of seeing the homeless and marginalized as equals and our charge to serve and love them. One individual in our class made the comment that he had a hard time feeling compassion for the homeless because they were to blame for their circumstance. It would be easy for me to point my finger at that guy and judge him as a heartless, self-centered individual, but to do that I would have to turn my judging finger and point it back at myself. How many times have I looked on someone without compassion, thinking it's their own fault they are in this position? The truth is, NONE of us are worthy of ANYTHING we have--not our status, not our possessions, not the love others show us, and especially not God's love. Yet we are called, just as Christ loved us (the undeserving), we too should love others. Who am I to ever judge whether someone is "worthy" of my time, love, or monetary gift? The Lord said go, give. It's that simple. Why do I make it so complicated with when, who and how much?

Isaiah 61:1 "The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor, he has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound."

"Father, may my life reflect You."

Nothing else matters...

I am weak, imperfect and afraid. It may appear on the outside that I am a strong, independent, can roll with the punches sort of girl, but if I am being honest I know that I can do none of these. It is only through Christ that I am strong. My independence is rooted in His unfailing love and it is only by His refining fires that I am able to see trial as good.

I ran across a quote from John Piper not long ago that stopped me in my happy-go-lucky tracks:

"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?"

This quote instantly exposed the shallowness of my one-sided faith in God. I am ashamed to say that too easily the answer to that question would more often than not be "yes". Is that the extent of my love for the Lord? When I face trials I go running to the Lord but when things are good I almost always fall away, thinking I can handle it on my own. How proud of me to think I can handle anything on my own. I cannot.

Last year the song "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller became sort of an anthem for my life, saying that as I wait I will continue to praise the Lord. There was nothing wrong with this idea until I began to assume that the Lord would indeed deliver me out of my situation. Now, however, I find myself asking the question "what if"--what if He chooses not to deliver me from this place in life?, what if this is exactly what God has purposed for my life? Am I willing to live it to the fullest and quit looking for the next "out", thinking that surely He has something much more grandiose for my incredible life? Woe to me.

"Father, you are good to me and so often in your blessings I lose sight of you. Your blessings feel good and bring me great joy, but without you they are nothing. I desire to live for you alone but I constantly get distracted by the good things in my life that I run after more good feelings and leave you by the wayside. Forgive me oh Lord. Without you I am nothing. I know now that no good feeling will ever fill up the void in my heart. Forgive me for trying to stuff people and things and places into a God-sized hole. Let my feet run after you and my eyes see none but you. Lord, let it be."

More than a To-Do List...

I have experienced an incredible journey thus far in my life. I am honored and blessed to know the Lord as I do. I am humbled to be called His. So often I find myself wrapped up in the task of doing and learning that I forget to stop and spend time with Him. I can easily spend hours in my day reading about Him, how to live for Him and even busy myself praying to Him with an agenda in mind. Though these are well and good they are inferior compared to resting in Him.

"Most High God, You are more than a book, more than a Bible Study, more than a daily task to check off. You are more than a good feeling, more than a half-hearted commitment to follow. Father, You are my portion. You must be. Without You, I am without life and breath--my days meaningless. Father, may You be my first thought and my last. May You be more than a thing to accomplish in my day but may I allow You to walk alongside me in every decision, every thought and every action. May You not be stuffed in a corner or put on a shelf. God You are my all. Let that be true. May nothing come above You. Nothing. All else is meaningless compared to my love-relationship with You. May my passion for You far exceed my passion for life. Knowing You, serving You--that is not sacrifice. Sacrifice would be ignoring You, living for myself. Father, may I honor You in obedience, love You in worship, and bring You glory through my daily life. You are above all. May my life reflect this truth. Great are You, oh God. I am unworthy of You."

"...for such a time as this"

I was reading Esther this morning. I know her story well. I know of her great obedience—of how she risked her life for her people. But there was something this morning that caught my eye, something that I had overlooked many times before. In the fourth chapter we find Mordecai, having learned of Haman’s plan to destroy the Jews, asking Esther for her help. Esther responds, explaining that the cost of entering the inner court of the kingdom without the king’s summons is death. Only if the king holds out his golden scepter will you find favor with him. It is Mordecai’s response in verses 13-14 that caught my attention: “Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, ‘Do not think to yourself that in the king’s palace you will escape any more than all the other Jews. For if you keep silent at this time, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another place, but you and your father’s house will perish. And who knows whether you have not come to the kingdom for such a time as this?’” To me this was a great reminder that God is not dependent on our obedience. If we choose to be silent, He will find another way and if we choose to be silent we may not physically perish but we will suffer a great loss in the intimacy of knowing our Lord. Because of Esther’s obedience the Lord was glorified. Praise God. I think this relates to so many areas of my life right now--as I think about ministry and His perfect plan. He has placed His cup before me and said “come and drink”. I can be obedient and He will be glorified or I can be disobedient and He will find one who is willing. May I never be one to refuse the cup of the Lord. May I make His name famous and may He be glorified through me.

"Most High God, I come before you humbled, honored and in awe. Great are you, Oh Lord. Father, may I never refuse your cup. May I be obedient to your plans and your will. God, never do I wish to come before you too afraid to be obedient. Father walk alongside me. Show me your way."

Spilling Over

I liken my spiritual life to a cup. Up until this point in my spiritual journey the Father has been filling my cup--with knowledge, with love, with blessings. In each encounter with Him, He has poured more into me, bringing me closer to spilling over. In this past year I have sensed my cup reaching its capacity. This past Spring I attended a ladies retreat that completely smacked me over the head with God’s truth and His love for ALL people. He reminded me of a commitment that I made several years ago to follow Him with my entire being. Since that retreat this Spring my God has not let up. It seems everything I have heard or experienced in the past six months has been very specifically directed towards me. The message: It is time. Sit no more. Do. Go. Share.

This weekend I was reading a passage in Psalms and as I read it, it was as if God's power, majesty, love and authority were flying off of the page. I have read this passage many times before but as I was reading I couldn't help but think about this God--the God who parted the Red Sea, who flooded the earth, who brought fire from the sky, the same God who created the heavens and the earth--this God knows and loves me. So often I try to put Him in a box in my head, or to imagine the biggest, greatest thing that I can--but even still He is much greater. I am blown away that I have a personal relationship with the God who always was, always is and always will be. I mean, WHAT?! Seriously? That God knows and loves me? That God desires to use me to bring glory back to Himself? What? Me? I am so unworthy of such an amazing calling. I am nothing--we are nothing in His midst. I am truly humbled to call Him "Abba" when His glory and His majesty are so great that not even this world can contain them. How can I ever put anything before Him when I think of Him in this way? It's simple, I cannot. He is my everlasting. I am truly amazed.

Coming back to this cup of mine: up until this point my cup has been filling—today, however, my cup overflows. It is spilling over and I know it is time.

"Most High God, please break me that I might finally rid myself of all that is not pleasing to You. God, may I seek you desperately. May I realize that Your glory and Your majesty is so great that not even this world can contain it. And yet, Oh Lord, you love me. You are passionate about me. Oh God, I am blown away by You. I am broken before You. Father, how unworthy am I to serve You. Father, I pray that You would not be a God of convenience or good feelings. Instead Father, I pray that Your majesty would overwhelm me in such a way that I cannot be silent. Oh God, let it be"

Falling Deeper in Love.

I find myself in a place in my life that is challenging and trying at times but even being in the midst of it I know that I would not trade this season of my life for all the security in the world. The last fifteen months of searching for a job, having a couple temporary jobs, living on my own and having to depend on others for a place to sleep has been an adventure to say the least. There is not one decision that I regret, not one step of faith that I wish I could erase. I am content in knowing that I have sought God in most every decision I have made and have learned the cost of anxiety in those I haven’t. Yes, there are days when I do not think I can make it without having some sense of direction; and yes, there are times when all that is within me longs for mercy—for some sense of relief. However, when I think back on the last several months I am humbled to say that they have not been in vain. I pray my Father in heaven be glorified in who He is creating me to be. I am unable to sit in silence and allow my life waste away any longer. My God fashioned me to love and serve Him. God’s purpose in my life was not to make me great but to make Himself great within me. It is my hope that as He continues to refine me and mold me that His place in my life would be apparent.

“Most High God, I come before You humbled and broken. You have opened my eyes to Your desire to bring glory back to Yourself. May Your name be known. May Your name become famous that every nation and every tribe and every tongue know of Your great love. Holy, holy are You, Oh God. I am unworthy, yet You love me. I am nothing yet You rejoice over me with singing. May Your refining fire never leave me. Teach me Your ways, Oh God. May my life and breath bring You glory.”

Brokeness, is what I long for?

Do you remember that chorus "Holiness, holiness is what I long for, holiness is what I need. So take my life and form it, take my mind, transform it. Take my will conform it. To yours, to yours Oh Lord." There was also a verse about faithfulness, but the verse that has stuck with me in recent days is the cry for brokeness. "Brokeness, brokeness is what I long for." Who truly cries to be broken? Being broken is painful and messy. It is like asking for your life to be turned upside-down. Have you ever had your life turned upside-down? It's not necessarily fun.

I have found myself praying for this very thing. Brokeness. I know it will be painful. I know it will stretch me and at times leave me empty but I also know that if I don't become broken of my ideals and agenda then I will never become the woman God intended.

Selfishly, I want nothing to do with brokeness. I do not want to be vulnerable. More desperately, however I want, no I need, to be broken so that I can become a vessel for Christ.

"Father, break me. Break my stony heart. Desolve the coldness in my heart and give me a passion for your people. Teach me to love like you love. May I fall hard after You, oh my God."

"A Time to Plant and a Time to Uproot"

It is true that we are in a constant state of change--that the only constant, unwavering being is God Himself. It should be of no surprise to us when a new change takes place. We should be fluid human beings, ones that are ready to make a change at a moments notice.

It is a great idea anyway, but luckily God did not create us in the robotic fashion that I spoke of above. No, He implanted emotion and desires. He gave us longing and memories. He created us to develop connections with our surroundings. Whether there is change happening all around us or change happening within, it comes with the challenge of leaving what you were and taking a leap of faith towards what is ahead. Whether it is good or bad or a little of both, change takes some obvious getting used to.

All this to say that this past year has been filled with seasons of change. Even today I find myself making yet another big transition in my life. I was recently offered a summer job at Falls Creek Youth Camp, a job I have done three summers before. Though I never expected to work there again I am looking forward to all God has for me.

This means a few different things. It means that in the next 2 and a half weeks I am packing up my apartment and putting my things in storage. It means that things are still up in the air for August and beyond, though most likely I would not be moving back to Chelsea. But most importantly it means that I am giving over my comfort and security to God and trusting that He will put me where I need to be to be most effective in service to Him.

This transition is not the easiest. I have loved being in Chelsea and being a part of the church family here but I know that just because my physical address might change it doesn't mean that I won't have a "family" here that loves me. It has been a blessing to be a part of this town but I am looking forward to serving Him this summer at camp.

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" Ecclesiastes 3:1

"He has Showed You what is Good"

"With what shall I come before the Lord and bow down before the exalted God? Shall I come before Him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousand rivers of oil? Shall I offer my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul?" Micah 6:6-7

So often we ask the same thing. What should I offer my God? What will compensate for my wrong-doing? We begin to live a lifestyle of works, thinking that if we work hard enough and do enough good deeds God will be pleased. Wrong. James 2:17 says "....faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead." This is true. However, so often we focus on the action of doing and overlook faith in the equation. We do not serve a God that can be bought. All the good deeds in the world cannot save your soul. I'm not saying there isn't a place for good deeds. Jesus himself, called us to love the poor and the weak. What I am saying is empty works are just that--empty. God is not looking for a resume' of good works--for someone to buy their way to heaven out of guilt. He is looking for a person, who will live with integrity, who will honor Him inside and out.

Right after the question was asked, "with what shall I come before the Lord?" the answer was given in Micah 6:8. “He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God." Let us think on this for a moment: to act justly and love mercy and walk humbly with your God. Notice the lack of commas which would suggest that one be done after the other. No, instead "and" appears in its place. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines "and" as a function word to indicate connection. Verse 8 says that we should "live justly and love mercy and walk humbly." Each should be done equally and simultaneously with the previous. It isn't an option of picking and choosing.

What does this mean? It means that as believers we are called to act in a way that honors our brothers in Christ but more importantly our God. It means to be merciful to our neighbor and when our neighbor isn't merciful in return to love them anyway. Finally it means to rid ourselves of pompous thinking--to move our focus from ourselves to others and Christ and to live graciously. I can guarantee that this is not an easy thing to do. I also guarantee that there will be times when we will cry out to God. But I know that if we don't examine our hearts and rid ourselves of all unrighteous (including selfish gain) that one day, you and I both will look back and regret not living to our fullest potential which is to honor Christ.

"Father, show me how to strip myself of selfish gain. Envelope me. May my every breath be for Your glory. Without you, my life is meaningless. May I not live on this earth only to die in vain, having not furthered Your kingdom. To You be the glory, forever and ever. Amen."

Pressing On.

I realize my posts have a similar trend and often state the same truths. Regardless, I invite you to walk alongside me as you get a glimpse of my heart and the things God has taught me through this new phase in life.

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 3:12-14

Eight months ago I graduated from college, finished my last day of work and embarked on a new journey--one that would have twists and turns I could not imagine. I spent my summer months roaming, searching, grasping for something. Finally in late July, after months of silence I heard His voice--a sense of direction, finally! So I gathered my earthly belongings and moved! Admittedly I thought that things would fall into place once I settled in--that I would have a source of income, a social life, a sense of purpose and belonging. It was as if I had pictured life after college to be the last chapter, that it was all smooth sailing. Of course, logically I knew there would be trials and I knew that I would be stretched but I am not sure that reality had struck quite yet.

Five months, 30+ job applications, and a hit and miss part-time job later I am beginning to realize something I knew all along--life is not the perfect dream! One thing remains true however, God is sovereign! I know I have said this before but I will not be convinced otherwise. I remember writing a philosophy paper in college about whether God determined good or if good determined God. Think about that for a minute. I don't remember my conclusion in the paper exactly but I can tell you this: God's desire is for the greater good. We are a narrow-minded, selfish people who ninety-nine percent of the time look to our own interests first. God is not confined to our way of thinking. He sees the bigger picture, the WHOLE picture. So what if things are not the way I planned. Regardless of my plan, my prayer is that I would be willing to further His kingdom! I have never before felt this strongly about that objective.

Even knowing these things it is easy to allow the fact that my finances are dwindling rapidly, that I have no prospects for employment and that I will likely have to move out of my apartment, get me down at times. Then there was tonight. As a youth worker I have the opportunity to hear a good friend and mentor share his heart. He spoke about pressing on. When you are in the thick of it, tired and can't muster up enough strength to take another step, press on anyway. When things seem grim, when all you want to do is quit, press on.

"Father, you know my heart. Your Word says You knitted me together in my mother's womb. You rejoice over me in love. Abba, when my strength is fleeting I cry out to You to lift me up. I have faith in You, not because of Your goodness towards me but because You deserve my praise. When my pride seeps to my bones, You are patient. You gently remind me of Your majesty. I admit, some days I don't want to do things the way You would have me do them. But with every fiber I cry,'All for Your glory.' Lord, let it be."

Sovereign God.

Many times as believers in Christ we get an idea that God will provide--as if He will automatically bail us out regardless of the circumstance. I too have fallen victim of this notion. As I grow in my faith I find that this is a simple way of thinking. We serve a complex God. One that does not fit our mold or our agenda.

Even with this in mind, I have come to this simple truth: God is sovereign. Regardless of my circumstance I cannot believe otherwise. Recently I read a friend's blog questioning the sovereignty of God. He was sharing his hurt of recently hearing that a well-known pastor was diagnosed with brain cancer. In this blog He stated that He had a hard time believing the sovereignty of God when something like this has happened. Though I respect his words I can appreciate the response of a mutual friend. "Is the goal of life to live 90 years on earth or to follow God in the years that we have on earth? While I can completely understand the loss of a friend and great teacher, we do not preach, teach, live moral, so that we will have a long life. Righteous people die, just like the unrighteous - the rain falls on the wicked and the pure. The plan of my Father is beyond my understanding, but it is His. The reality of the effect of sin on our world is real." This is something I have realized as of late. Just because I am a young, innocent, believer--one who has done little wrong in this world compared to many, this does not mean that God will automatically "save" me from my predicament.

The well-known verse Jeremiah 29:11 says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" This is something we hear often, especially during new chapters in life surrounding graduation from high school and college. We read this, hear this and say this then seem to expect those "plans" to take affect immediately. My mom recently pointed out to me that we tend to over look verse 10 which states "This is what the Lord says: 'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place....'" Verse 10 changes everything in my opinion. He's saying, "Things will be tough. Years of struggle and trial may go by but I will come back for you. It may not be today or tomorrow or even this year but I have a plan for your life. Stick with me, be faithful and I will fulfill your life and give you a future." It is even through struggle that we have hope.

There are two things I can say about my life at this point. One, it is not at all what I expected. And two, it has allowed me to appreciate my many blessings. I live in a small town that I never that I would live in again, without a job that I didn't think would be hard to find, surrounded by friends who, for the most part, I didn't know six months ago. Regardless, I have a roof over my head, food to eat, electricity, unexpected friendship, love, and much more.

Let me tell you friends, even if I had none of these my God would still be sovereign.

Not of me, but of Him.