Like most days, today is filled with questions, with thoughts, with concerns. I find myself wondering who I am. What makes up this person that I have become? If what Kierkegaard said is true then what type of person am I creating myself to be? Is who I am based on the people I spend time with? I would like to think that I am a little more stable in my identity than that but sometimes I'm not sure.
Like I have said in recent posts I find myself in a time of transition. There are times like now when I feel like I am mourning the loss of a dear friend. Which, I kind of am in a way. Not that anyone close to me has died but in all honesty I see myself growing away from people who at one point meant a great deal to me. I don't know if it is busy schedules, different outlooks on life, or different desires but something has drawn us apart. It's painful. The Lord has blessed me with other people in my life but even that hurts. Relationships are hard. They are something I have always struggled with.
I've never been good at having close friends. I don't know how to balance well. I have, for so long, been the lone leader in my situations. I don't think it helps that my job is designed for it. I desire peace in my life. For this pain to not matter as much. I desire good, healthy friendships.
Trust in Him.
"Father, I come to you realizing I haven't been looking to You in my time of need. I have looked outside of you for peace and satisfaction and though it has been good I have tried to replace that with what I need from you. Forgive me. Draw me close to you in my pain. Let me know it's okay to grieve. Hold me in Your arms."
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