I have always tried to fill the silence in my life with meaningless things. It's easy to do--to spend hours in thought of things of little to no importance. I have been wondering lately why that is and have recently realized that I am afraid to be silent. I am afraid of what I might hear (or not hear). I fill my life with noise because when I am not still, ready and listening I do not have to make myself vulnerable to the things or One around me. It's my little protective shield. It hides my biggest insecurities and my deepest pains.
Today, however, I had this aching depth inside for complete silence in my life--wanting the very thing I have feared for so long. I longed for just a moment that the thoughts and activities around me would stop just long enough to take in a moment of silence with nothing left in me but the beating of my heart and the air escaping from my lungs. I was driven nearly to tears, not really understanding this aching in my chest--wanting so much more in my life, given only what the silence could offer. Honestly, I wanted to be held. For someone not to listen to me but to be silent along side me.
I do not think it is possible to ever reach a point in which everything around me is silent and there are absolutely no thoughts rushing through my mind but I think having a complete peace in my heart is a good start to the type of silence I want to experience.
"Father, in the busyness of my everyday may I find time to be silent before your throne. Show me how to be vulnerable enough to simply let go of myself and listen to your still soft voice. I long for your holiness in my life. Shape me."
1 comment:
this is why you ate lunch by yourself, and why you seemed kind of not really lonely, but like you had stuff on your mind. i could tell you were thinking about something i asked why you ate by yourself... a lot of times i wish i could get away and be silent too. at home i would get in my car, turn off the radio and drive around. or just go sit on the front porch and look at the stars..i dunno. there's just a peace in that silence. i know what you mean.
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