Not two years ago I looked at prayer completely different than I do today. It was a chore, something I did only because I felt obligated. It was my facade--my cover up for when I wanted everything to seem all okay. I did not publicly shy away from prayer, I stood in the spotlight wanting everyone to hear my 'thees' and 'thous', thinking I was so holy just because I prayed. It was a very sad existence, a hollow purpose. My spirituality stopped there, in publics' eye. I had no depth or breadth to my relationship with the Father. I did not spend hours at a time sitting with the word, drinking up the scriptures. I was stubborn. I didn't lie flat on my face praying 'Father, forgive me'. There was no relying on the Lord in my life. It was me, my pride, and the lonely world I had built up for myself with every 'creative' barrier I could find.
I remember a time in my life when I felt that nothing was left to live for. There was no purpose for my existence, even the very beat of my heart caused me pain. I was nothing without the Lord. My anger became desperation and desperation became longing--longing for something worth living for. It was then that I realized that I couldn't occasionally pray a prayer or open my Bible and read whatever page it happened to fall to. My life as a believer, as a servant of God wasn't about occasion but rather about a life style change, a change of heart and a definition of purpose. A dear friend of mine, who has had a lot of patience with me over the years has on many occasions reminded me of the passage Philippians 3:7-9 "But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing (intimate knowledge) Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith." She would always say, no matter what it is you are holding on to, let it go--consider it all lost simply for the chance to truly know Him. In my deepest time of need I began to cry to the Lord. My prayer was personal, beginning with humility on my part. He changed me, gave me passion. He developed me into a woman of servitude, looking to others before myself. I can't imagine not living a life style of prayer now.
As I look back on my journey so far, as I examine my life and all the pain and joy I have experienced I am pleased with the growth of my relationship with the Father. My life now isn't about the occasional prayer at the table, before bed, or for a sick friend. I find myself constantly whispering things to Him, having peace in my heart as I know confidently that He heard me. I am thankful for being the child of a God to whom I can have constant communication with.
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