Willing myself to contentment?

“Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.” - Sarah Ban Breathnach

There is great danger in trusting in your own resolve.  This is true regardless of what you have resolved to do.  Be it making wise choices, resisting temptation or even having contentment, if you are leaning on your own determination at some point you will come up short.  This is something that I was reminded of today.  After having had a conversation with a dear friend last night about the Lord being our satisfaction, I found myself today lacking contentment.  I was saddened not by what I had but what I lacked.  As a sweet friend sat with me and listened to me ramble about my lack of contentment she gently reminded me of words that had come from my own lips just four months prior.  As I remember them, “The Lord must be your family, your Father, your portion.”  Remembering that in Him, I lack nothing.  

It is sobering to realize that even as I seek the Lord, I find myself, more often than not seeking Him out of my own resolve.  This “I can do this” attitude can be quite dangerous  as I find myself trusting in my own abilities to accomplish something instead of giving my all to Him.  When will I learn?

I love the Lord’s creative ways of getting my attention.  This morning before I was even aware of this frustration, I picked up Jen Hatmaker’s newest book “Seven” and read the words to a familiar song.

I believe You’re my healer.

I believe You are all I need.

I believe You’re my portion.

I believe You’re more than enough for me.

Jesus You’re all I need.

As my eyes took in each word with care, my spirit seemed to groan in agreement “YES!  You, Oh Lord, are all I need.” --And yet, somehow, in the span of seven hours this truth seemed to slip my mind.  It’s moments like this that I am grateful for the Lord’s mercy.  I was humbled also, only moments after expressing my discontent, with a sermon on stewardship.  Yes, the pastor’s intent was the importance of being good stewards of our time and money but one thing he said stuck with me.  “If you are not content with what you have, you will not be content with what you want.”  How true.  How often have I longed for something only to receive it and it not fill the void I was hoping it would?  Our ONLY satisfaction is in Christ.

Hear me say this, it is okay to struggle.  In our struggle the Lord can teach us a multitude of things.  Today I realized how often I trust in my own ability rather than giving myself to Him.  I am reminded, He is faithful.

“Father, forgive me for offering you my trinkets--for leaving my best intentions, abilities or gifts at your feet as if to say, ‘look, this is what I can do for you.’  You Lord, deserve things much greater than my poor attempt at coming to you in my own will.  Father, may I come to you poor in spirit, with an empty cup, ready to be filled with you.  You Father, are my portion.  Here I am, here’s my life.  Have all of me.”